Tuesday, May 2, 2017

How Did I Get This Age?

 

   Over drinks recently in Chelsea with a friend he mentioned his upcoming birthday like someone mentions a prostate exam. My friend couldn’t believe where the years had gone, and now he was approaching 42-years-old; single and none the wiser. It made me think as well. Where the hell did the time go for me? Was I any smarter or richer then before? Or did I just learn to accept failure like Lindsey Lohan accepts being arrested?

   Looking through old pictures for this article I’m surprised how cute I was at 25. I’m not bragging, it’s just shocking when I remember the time in my life as feeling more insecure than hot stuff. Now  gray hair grows on my head like an army of ants after a picnic basket; I still smile, at least I have hair. For now.

   An older friend of mine recently said about single gay men over 40, “If you’re over 40 and single; you better have money or you might as well be dead.” It’s a nasty thing to say, but I get his point to a degree.

   I wonder where the years went; it feels like just yesterday I was 24 and dating someone I thought I would spend my life with. Just yesterday I was 34 and moving in with someone I thought was the one. Just yesterday I was a singer; published author; best friend; son; manager; lover; cat owner; straight; hairdresser; insecure; secure, and now i'm still some of those things, but a lot of them seem like someone else's life.

   Though it still seems scary sometimes I’m happier and more self assured then I was when I was younger. Things are still frustrating when something bad happens, but with age I don’t get as upset as I used to.

   Let's cut the pound cake. I hate getting older, but on a day when my clothes fit just right; my friends seem sane and I’m dating someone who makes me smile every time I get a text I feel like the world is mine.

   When you reach a certain age you start to ask yourself if you’re happy; is the person your with the ‘right one.’ If you’re single it starts to feel like you’ll be alone forever. I’d rather be alone and single then living with someone whom I can’t stand to be with.

   Age is a state of mind. My mind says I’m 30 and I’m not giving up no matter if I’m 40, 50, 60 or 100-years-old. Getting old is a bitch. Giving up on life because you’re older? Not an option with my frame of mind. One of the reasons "The Golden Girls" still manages to be popular is simple; it shows you that you can be happy over 50, have sex, good friends and sass whoever you please.

   So if you’re feeling down about getting older; just think you had some good times with the bad and something new and exciting is just around the corner; you’ll never find out what it is if you’re staying inside hiding and giving up. Do something you wouldn't normally do; take a class; stay out and drink until 3:am. Live, laugh, make changes and have fun; that's what keeps you young forever.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Free Life Advice. Read It Fast, I'm Already Bored.


The Doctor is in, and let’s get this over with quick because I have a hangover. Some people need a therapist for logical mental reasons, others need a good kick in the knickers with some tough love. So here it is; your problems solved in minutes, not hours and you didn’t cough up the $200 bucks an hour for a head doctor (who’s probably nuttier than you) or even spend your morning on the toilet from all the medication they’d prescribe.
You’re welcome, now shut up and learn.

-You Don’t Care What People Think: Stop lying, it gives you wrinkles.

-You Hate Your Parents: Grow up and forgive them, or don’t talk to them anymore.

-Cupcakes: These are really round slices of cake; sorry chubs.

-Boot Camp: You’re just paying an angry guy to yell at you; get married and it will be for free.

-Proceco: Is really sparkling white wine, just add $10-50 dollars.

-You Can’t Get A Man: So stop whining about it; shave your legs; get a new hair color and work it.

-Why Is Everyone Crazy: Because everyone is a little wacko; if you don’t think you are, oh boy you’re in trouble.

-People Are Out To Get You: Sometimes, but that’s life. Watch a few seasons of “Scandal” and learn.

-“Green Lantern,” Movie: Really did suck; No REALLY.

-You’re Obese And Want ONLY A Muscle Guy: Drop the lard or win the Lottery.

-Space Wipes: Are really sponges, and not worth 19.99 + shipping.

-You’re A Drunk And Druggie: Google a picture of Lindsay Lohan 2011; and remember she was 24-years-old! Get yourself together.

-You’re Depressed: Because of you’re missing a leg; arm; eye? Right; feel better, bitch.

-You Have Bad Self Image: No matter how much plastic surgery you get, you’ll feel the same; just prettier. Happiness does come from within, yeah, within Bergdorf Goodman.

Your life is better than you think. Enjoy it!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Sarah Palin Shocker: Husband Comes Out As Gay.



Just when the world thought they saw the last of Sarah Palin; she’s back like plaque.

News sources reported today that Todd Palin has come out as gay and Sarah Palin has blamed it on Obama, the media and homosexuals running wild in Hollywood, “Gays getting married are giving straight men ideas; hold on to your husband’s ladies; the gays are coming for them.” Palin tweeted today.

Sources say Sarah has said she will not divorce her husband and that they can work on the marriage with the help of Jesus and some sexy lingerie. Many whisper that the legendary “First Lady Of Stupidity” has no clue on how to save her marriage, but her ego will not let her get a divorce.

A close friend said Sarah has been so angry she jumped in the nearest helicopter and started shooting any moose in sight; the feminine males got it the hardest. Daughter Bristol worries her momma will head to a gay bar with her gun. Many whisper that say Sarah looks like a drag queen and will be let in without a cover charge; the rich really do get richer.

Sarah is said to be announcing a press conference this week, with her newly dyed blonde hubby by her side. Local sources report Sarah has banned her husband from watching Modern Family and eating Fruit Loops every morning; fearing that’s what made him gay.

Happy April Fools Day!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Is Sex Better When You’re Older?




Miley Cyrus Said last year that 40-year-old people are jealous of her because they don’t have sex anymore. What manure-for-brains Cyrus doesn’t know is; at 20-years-old you can have all the sex you want but it doesn’t mean its good sex; it’s just the 3 M’s: motion, moaning and moving. By the time you’re 40 you actually have the best sex because you know what flushes your face and curls your toes.

It’s no surprise that doctors are reporting that the biggest increase in sexually transmitted diseases are in retirement and nursing homes; sorry to be the one to inform you of this kids, but your grandma is a slut! As humans are living longer, things have changed and sex is no longer just for the young. A lot of older women have reported that they have a better sex life after menopause; so maybe getting older isn’t such a bad thing.

Depending on your personality (and hormone levels) most people started experiencing with sex when they we’re teenagers. In movies young girls are made to believe that their first kiss has to be special, when in reality your first kiss should be a trial run for the real thing; kind of like taking a new car for a drive around the block before purchasing it.

Of course there are those poor souls who make it to their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond, and still kiss you like a Hoover vacuum. Still I’m an advocate that sex gets better at age 40 and beyond. Another great thing about getting older is this; if the sex does stink, you’ll probably forget it—fast!

Monday, February 13, 2017

Screw Valentine’s Day. February 13th is Mistress Day!

Mistress Day could have helped Glen Close in Fatal Attraction.

Mistress Day is a hidden secret, with Valentine’s Day getting all the press I thought it was about time to expose this great holiday; which in my opinion is ignored more than a girl at Ricky Martin’s birthday party.

Most restaurants and florist have reported that February 13th, is fast becoming just as popular as February 14th, due to the fact that most married men take out their mistresses or favorite rent boys for dinner that night; guess what’s for dessert? A cheap hotel.

So if your man happens to be out late on February 13th, saying something about a work dinner. Watch out! When he gets home; smell him like a blind hound dog. If your man or lady smells like chocolate fondue; you better believe they were celebrating Mistress Day.


Tiger Woods main Ho Rachel Uchitel loves Feb 13th.
I’ve never been the mistress type and believe me there are a lot of gay and “straight” married men out there looking for a good time. I just could never be second banana (literally!) to a wife or boyfriend; I’m an only child and I don’t like to share. I have friends that do it and no matter what they say, they’re miserable, but always think in the back of their mind that; “they’ll get him one day.”

Here’s a fact; most married men don’t leave a marriage unless their partner breaks it up, and why should they? They have the best of both worlds; a maid at home and a slut at a hotel.

A friend of mine, who works at a major Chelsea restaurant, told me that February 13th is almost as booked as February 14, “Marc” reports that last year the restaurant was full of older men with wedding rings, pretty girls and cute young boys.

I’ll make it no secret that I hate Valentine’s Day; when I’m in a relationship it can be very frustrating trying to please your partner by doing a bunch of things that you saw in the movies. Retail is no better by throwing it in your face when you walk into CVS, “She’ll be mad and make you a cad-remember V-Day is Feb 14th!” Oh screw you.

When you’re single you’re made to feel like a loser for not having someone. couples, most of them in  toxic relationships built on desperation and a second paycheck will fill your head with stories of their happy romance; my momma always said,”If you have to sell it, it must be broke.” If you're single and go on dating apps you'll get nothing but married men hitting on you--yeah, I'd rather stay single then settle for one of these horny losers.

Is there any better example than Seal and Heidi Klum; who got remarried every year on their anniversary for seven years and got divorced anyway; Auf Wiedersehen to you, bitch.

I support the Ho’s in having their day declared a national holiday. No matter which day you support I hope you’re going to have a wonderful time; I personally don’t care for either; it’s February 15th, that mixes my margarita; it’s when all the Valentine’s candy goes on sale for 50% off; now that’s my kind of holiday.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Hair Extensions Are From Dead People.


Jennifer Aniston recently said hair extensions ruined her real hair, and it’s no surprise, not everyone should be wearing them, and not everyone who does them; does them right. Women of a certain age really shouldn’t have long-ass hair; it doesn’t have to be short, but those long strings hanging on a lot of these women and celebrities make them look like Barbie dolls found in a dumpster behind a Special Needs daycare.

I’m breaking the code of the comb here. I’m not supposed to discuss this but what the hell; it’s just you, my Hair Junkies and friends at HTYM. Has anyone ever wondered where all of this hair comes from that they use in hair extensions? A rumor is a little hair fairy drops it off after every rain storm. If you believe that I have some swamp land I'd love to sell you in Florida. If you investigate the extension people they will sweetly inform you that all the hair is donated from village women from a far off country. Yeah, this might satisfy a reality television personality (because they’re dumb and have no soul) but really? I know from good source that the majority of hair extensions are cut off corpses. That is where some of these places get their hair from, dead bodies, and you think you suffer for beauty!

So it’s nice to know, if you drop dead someone will shave your head and sell it to a company, then resell it to a hairdresser, who in turn will piece it on some strange woman’s head. Death really is a bitch.

It’s pretty gross when you think about it; people wearing someone else’s hair on their head. I was really happy when Miley Cyrus took out her extensions and cut her hair short; no matter what the beauty industry tells you, short hair looks great on a lot of people, especially when you’re young. 20-year-old girls don’t need fake hair and fake eyelashes and fake everything; it’s when your older that you’ll have to pack on more of the artificial to look au natural.


I myself like fake hair extensions that you can clip in, you can’t wash or blow dry them, but they are great to stick in when you need them, just toss them out when they get fugly.

Also no dead spirits will haunt you in the middle of the night, chanting, “Give me back my hair, bitch!”

For the real deal about extensions and hair, check out my NEW book,  Your Hair Looks Like Crap!: How to look expensive in a cheap world, here on Amazon http://amzn.com/B016R7M1F6  Only $2.99!

Some Editorial Reviews for YHLLC:
"Every woman needs this book on her shelf. Ever wonder what your hairdresser really thinks of you? Read on girls and laugh your a** off!"-Barbara Morretti, Source Books.

"The celebrity stories are vicious and telling...just how I like them." William ...Katz, Gay Happening Weekend.

"Shocking, funny and educational. I bet I'll never get a bad haircut again after reading this"- Nora Felipe, Glam-Girl Online.

"Taylor makes a point that other 'hair' books are all fluff. He certainly tells it like it is, and I loved every minute of it!"- Gemma Stone, Beauty World, England.


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Marla Maples Wants Hairdresser To Work For Free


Marla Maples and creepy doll look-a-like daughter, Tiffany Trump, tried to get a hairdresser to do their hair for free, in exchange for 'promoting' them on their Twitter.

Hairdresser said she works for a fee, not for free...



I've worked with the public for 20 years, and always found people with the most money, ask for the most discounts and free services. I'm glad this hairdresser balked at mom and daughter con-artists, Marla Maples and Tiffany Trump.

Hairdressers stand on their feet all day, listen to people as they talk their ears off, get nickled and dimed by most salon owners, and mostly work on commission without health coverage. They deserve to get paid for their work and tipped if they do a great job.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

What I Learned From Having A Dog.

 
When navigating through life it’s easy to get caught up in materiel things. As humans we are born and bred to succeed at all cost. As you get older and make (hopefully) more money it’s easy to get caught up in only YOUR world. That changes for the better when you adopt a pet. Having a dog has taught me to slow down and experience life.

Sometimes at the end of the day I get home and my dog wants to go out. Dogs don’t “get” you’re tired when you come home from work. Sometimes I silently pray he does it fast, so I can chill out but even on the worst days his energy is contagious. For dogs, going out is more than a potty run; its social time. For my dog he wants to know what humans are outside; what butts are worth sniffing; what wonderful smells linger in the bowls of New York. Having a dog makes you more social-rather you like it or not. For the first time in my life I actually know and talk to most of my neighbors. My dog will demand attention and if you don’t give it he will bark at you  (I’m more known to pant when I don’t’ get attention)

Having a little person in your life makes everything complete. Some people compare having a pet to having children and I agree. When you have an adorable living thing that depends on you, needs you to feed it, needs you to kiss his bruise or has something stuck in his paw, your outlook is so different, as is your life. This little breathing thing needs you to live, and after awhile you need them to live.

Sometimes sitting at work I wonder if my dog is ok. If I’m at a bar too long and the evening is dragging on I think of my little fellow waiting for me, and I have to say unless you’re in your early 20s-you’d rather be home with your pup, than a dark bar with high priced drinks and watered down looking people.

In my years on this earth I’ve been a bunch of different people, from poor kid to semi successful grown-up. The best role I feel proud of is the joy my heart feels every-time I see my dog asleep on my lap. No amount of money, friends, material things or accomplishments will ever matter as much as the true love I get from my dog. We all seem to be fighting for something better in life and when we get it we’re faced with the big question, “Now what?” When you raise a pet you have a tremendous feeling of accomplishment and all you had to do was look beyond yourself. Me-me-me becomes him-him-him or her-her-her.

Hudson Taylor and Dante
My dog has become so famous, he has his own facebook page (littledante) I became the parent I always said I would never become, and I could never be happier.

No matter what happens to me in life; rather I’m rich or poor, strong or weak, my dog will remain the same towards me, and I will be his owner in name, but really coiled to him until he or I die.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Fu*k you 2016! You sucked!

 
This year has truly been like the Twilight Zone. First, people voted, and Russia hacked voting machines, to help elect a rich, arrogant pig like Donald Trump to be out next president. Then my favorite 1980s' people, Prince, George Michael, and Carrie Fisher, all died too young.
 
I hope the New Year finds you all well. Life can be wonderful sometimes, and other times, you wonder if you can pull through. I wish you all hope, love, sass, and good luck for the New Year.
 
 
 

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Is Anyone Else Sick Of The Struggle?



Most days are great. Most days are fine. But why do most of us feel like we’re always climbing a mountain with no end in sight?

There is always the struggle.

The struggle to get up.

The struggle to make money.

The struggle not to slap the latte out of that girl talking too loud on her phone.

The struggle to find work.

The struggle to love and be loved.

The struggle to be understood.

The struggle to smile and shut the fuck up.