Tuesday, February 22, 2011

*Holiday Candy Fat Ass*

Shopping at my local drug store I was molested by the huge displays of Easter candy staring at me from isle 4. Family memories floated through my head as I stacked Easter candy into my shopping basket.

   The best part about the holidays to my family was the sugar. My mom might let the electric bill go, but she would be damned if she didn’t pick up ten boxes of Marshmallow Peeps.

   Marshmallow Peeps, their little distant eyes looking at you scared, almost like they know you're going to shove them in your mouth. The colored sugar would turn your tongue yellow, pink and aqua. It’s no wonder that by 9-years-old I was shopping in the husky boys section at J.C Penny.

   Of course my mom and dad had not a tooth in their mouth, but that never stopped them from gumming down a frozen solid chocolate Easter bunny named Wilbur (chocolate bunnies always have nerdy names; where’s Leonard, Tyrone or Mykel bunny?)

   How can we forget chocolate Santa Claus or as my mom called him Black Santa Claus.

   Let’s mutilate Santa Claus kids! Merry Christmas and a waist size expanding New Year.

   Who ever thought it was a neat idea for children to decapitate chocolate people? Totally racist; it’s kind of sick when you think about it; though I guess if you could buy little chocolate people you hate- that would be okay; little chocolate terrorist, yum; just doing my part to fight terrorism. They melt in your mouth, not blow up in your hands.

   How great is that? Or imagine twenty or twenty-two pieces of your ugly ass boss, all ready to be torn limb by limb. Tasty, God bless!

   You could even chew on them in your office, car, or my favorite on the treadmill. How much fun would that be? Every time your boss would piss you off you could throw chocolate boss Mini Me's in your mouth as you typed away that frown, and that deadline. You’re sure to be smiling from ear-to-ear as his head is ripped from his brown bloated body

   Just be careful you don’t have his head in your mouth when you say, “Yes, sir I’ll get right on it.”

*excert from There's A Bastard Born Every Minute by Hudson Taylor

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Can You Date A F**K Buddy?


He was so hot in bed the first time you had him. You never planned on it but once every month or so he would come over; sheets got randomly changed; no huge feelings, just fun, familiarity. A quick kiss goodbye and you didn’t think of his muscular legs again.

   One night you got the text; you were out drinking and so was he. He came over; great sex prevailed but something different happened this time; he fell asleep on the couch as you nuzzled from behind. Your first inclination was to get up and blast loud music to make him wake up and leave; but you noticed something different, the smell of his hair (When did Pert Plus ever smell so good?) Without fear you kissed the back of his head and snuggled tightly from behind. damn, I think I love this person, you thought; falling asleep in new found bliss and dry mouth from the nights many Margarita's.

   You bombarded him with Texts after that; Joking at first, but then being serious by asking him out to dinner. He would vaguely text back how busy he was, which drove you bat-shit crazy. Some nights you Googled his name until you got any information on him; one lonely night you even Facebooked him.

   So can you date a f*k buddy? Usually the answer is no. Usually they meet someone else, have someone else or just aren’t the dating, marrying or friends type. Move on grasshopper because it hurts like hell to want someone who doesn’t want you.

Jared Padalecki is hot; who cares if he's a little dirty?
   I was at a fancy hotel last year and was enjoying too much over priced wine. As I stood and let my money go down the drain, who was standing next to me but "Supernatural" actor Jared Padalecki. Suddenly I got pee shy half way through. Jared is hot in person and so tall he made me feel like a girl...a very little girl. When he left the Restroom I wondered if WE could be; nah, he didn't wash his hands and his wife would probably mind.

   You seldom hook up with him now; it’s still good but not the same as before; he never falls asleep again at your place. He still hasn’t answered your Facebook request. You tell yourself he's not all that and don’t care about him and his hot pecs anymore; you lie to yourself.