Thursday, April 28, 2011

What NOT To Wear This Summer

New York hit 80 degrees this weekend and the city was alive with people, music, fattening food and ugly clothes. I don’t mean to be nasty but like Lady Ga Ga sings, I Was Born This Way.

With a tough winter on the east coast this season, people were more inclined than ever to stuff their faces and pack on the pounds. Now that spring has hit the road and summer is here the jackets have come off and wacky warm wear has popped out like a Chihuahua in heat.

There are many summer guides of what to wear for summer, but never what NOT to wear for summer. Here it is, like it or not.

Folded Jean Shorts: If you have to cut up old jeans, why the hell do you cuff them as well? This makes thin legs look thinner, short legs look fatter and pretty much turns off even horny hitchhikers.

Socks With Sandals: For some reason straight men love this look; I don’t know why. SWS tells the world your lazy, sloppy and your dad’s best friend; you look stupid, unsexy and I hate you.

Dress Socks With Shorts: Come on! This only works if you just came from Clown College. Buy some damn short athletic socks, cheap ass.

Muffin Tops In Tight Tops: if fat is trying to escape from under your top; that means don’t wear it. Try looking in a mirror with real lighting before you leave the house and if fat is hanging; throw the top out or cover that crap up.

Monster feet: If you must show your dogs, please cut your nails, clean your feet and get rid of those corns; nothing is worse than staring at someone’s gross feet when you’re trying to eat.

Too Big Shorts: I don’t want to see your flat butt in a thong; I know a guy once complimented you when you were 18-years-old by telling you, “Thongs get me going baby.” Well, he was a janitor and you were a stupid girl; don’t be a stupid women; your butt isn’t even pretty, cover it, PLEASE!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

John Boehner Uses Our Tax Dollars To Fight Gay Marriage

When I got my weekly paycheck this week I wondered where the good times had gone. Gone were the days where I could spend money on strawberry shortcake for $39.50 (free spoons!) so long Appletini and the botoxed bartenders who served them; goodbye Hanz, the personal trainer who always smells like he ate an onion for breakfast. Notorious B.I.G famously rapped “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” I find myself thinking lately, No Money, More Problems.

Picking up the paper and finding out House Speaker John Boehner and top GOP leaders have decided to go to court to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (known as DOMA-which really stands for Dumb Obvious Moran Asses), which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. They have asked congress for half a million dollars to pay the law firm King & Spalding. The law firm, which has many out gay employees is getting a lot of flak for taking on the case; listen I know a lot of lawyers are greedy sharks, but would a African American lawyer ever take on a case where the Klu Kux Klan was trying to take their rights? I don’t think so.

John Boehner is known as a conservative Republican and big crybaby. His mysterious obsession with fighting anything to do with gay issues makes me wonder if Boehner is a closet case from hell (usually someone bigoted to one group of minorities tends to have more than just a deep feeling of not liking their obsession, they feel, deep down inside they are like them and hate it) A Google search for Is John Boehner Gay? Yields 2, 470, 00 results.

One has to wonder if the secret queen in Boehner wants to frost his hair and cut up all his old Wrangler jeans and make some bitching jean shorts.

It's scary to live in an age when no matter how large the deficit, people in government are using our tax dollars to fight their personal beliefs; screw you Boehner, stop wasting my tax money and the governments time with this issue; this country is in a terrible economic crisis and we need to get on the ball, now!

A CNN/Opinion Research survey released earlier this week found 51% believe marriage for gay and lesbian couples should be recognized as value, up from 44% in 2008 and 2009. One day bigots like Boehner will run out of office and replaced by people who support ALL Americans, no matter what their personl beliefs are; isn't that what America is all about? Diversity.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Count Your Pennies; Things That Will Cost You More In 2011

Food shopping recently, I was shocked to see that Con’Chedda(I kid you not) my cashier, charged me three dollars for a tomato. “3 bucks, it’s not organic” I said. With her hand on her hip she answered, “I rung up regular tomato, u want it or not?” I shook my head yes.

The government has said the economy is great and almost fully recovered. It made me wonder (and drink) here are some things to make you question those jive turkeys in Washington.

1. Tomatoes:

Frigid temperatures in Florida and Mexico destroyed much of the winter tomato crop this year; the result? Prices are shooting up faster than a street whore. Freezing winter weather in Florida wiped out nearly 70% of its tomato crop and growers in Texas and Mexico suffered similar temperatures. Some states in Mexico also lost as much as 70% of their tomato crops; anyone want a radish on their hamburger?

2. The Cost of Gas and Heating Fuel:

With oil already up 20 percent this year, economists are asking how long it will take before it puts a hammer to the economic recovery. If you're looking for the cheapest gas in the country, you'll have to haul ass it to Wyoming, the only state where gas still averages under $3.50 a gallon. The national average, now $3.79 per gallon, is just 32 cents away from the all time high set in July of 2008. Prices have been driven up by the global economic recovery, record speculation, unrest in the Middle East and the cast of "Jersey Shore" getting raises; it pays to be stupid.

3. Clothing Prices:

Cotton has more than doubled in price over the past year, hitting all-time highs. The price of other synthetic fabrics has shot up roughly 50 percent as demand for alternatives and blends has risen. Good news, Acid wash jeans from the 80’s can be found in your local thrift store for under $8 bucks. Clothing prices are expected to rise about 10 percent in coming months, with the biggest increases hits coming in the second half of the year, said Burt Flickinger III, president of Strategic Resource Group. Basically you’ll have to pay 10 clams more for those booty shorts.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Donald Trump Could Be Our 1st Orange President.

UPDATED May 2012.

Donald Trump has thrown his rug; umm; hat into the arena to become president in 2012. He’s against gay marriage, women over 35 and the new tax on spray tanning.

Trump, a noted Billionaire, Republican and all around pucker face seems to think America needs him; we don’t. Who knows, he could win; stranger things have happened; Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor of California. In its April 2010 report, progressive ethics watchdog group “Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics” in Washington named Schwarzenegger one of 11 "worst governors" in the United States because of various ethics issues throughout Schwarzenegger's term as governor.

Schwarzenegger has recently announced via “Entertainment Weekly” that he will return to movies now that his term is up.

Those who love Obama, think it’s great that Trump is going to run. With other Republican candidates like Santorum, Romney and Gingrich behind him; most Democrats feel the candidates resemble performers jumping out of a clown car, and not worthy opponents to beat Obama in 2012.

Why Trump would even run I don’t understand. The guy is seriously busy with real estate, TV shows, book writing, his own line of “spring water” and “dress shirts”; the list goes on. There’s a rumor he’s trying to patent his own farts. This man doesn’t have time to run bath water; let alone the good old U.S.A.

Whoever runs and succeeds in 2012, better be for the people and not just jumping in to add another plaything to their toy box; unlike cars and European models, our country can’t afford to be taken for a ride; been there, done that.

Some think Trump is giving Romney a handjob.
Update May 2012. Trump bowled out and it seems Mitt Romney will be the one that takes on Obama. Trump, of course likes the limelight like a drunk a box of Advil, has endorsed Romney. Trump says he has no time for the White House; sure, this dude loves power, and even went off on Cher this week, making fun of her plastic surgery and bad singing-he says; all because she said some negative comments on Twitter about Romney.

On "The View" this week Trump tried to stay tight lipped when Barbara Walters tried to get an answer out of him about being vice president to Mitt Romney; Trump finally mumbeled a "who would turn it down." and changed the subject.

So Donald Trump could be our first orange Vice President; scary times indeed.