Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Blind Date Was Disappointed; I Was Disappointed When He Showed Up!

A RECENT BLIND date remarked (with pursed lips) that he was disappointed when I made an off color joke on our date. I was disappointed when he showed up and looked nothing like his pictures. Disappointed? Please, I was disappointed I didn’t leave as soon as I saw him. I’m not trying to be mean but what a silly, delusional little drama queen this dude was.

It was a hot, steamy night. The sidewalks in Chelsea smelled of sweat, urine, Starbucks coffee, teeth whitener and a weird mix of cheap cologne-that’s only sold in Chelsea, and only worn by guys who don’t live in Chelsea. I made it through the long two blocks from my apartment; tired after a long day but determined to be positive about my blind date. I waited for Mr. Wonderful in front of a local booze and food joint that had a good bar to meet at. Sweat did a dance on my forehead but I waited outside in good spirits and watched the parade of bodies walking past me like random Picasso paintings come to life. I heard my name and saw a sight that was like a blurry vision of the pictures I studied on online, except this vision was live and in color and nothing like the 10 or so pictures he sent me.

I could run away from him but that would be evil; though when you think about it, anyone who misrepresents themselves is deceptive and should be taught a lesson. Some people could be naïve or dumb. I had a feeling this dude has a habit of being left on first dates (and would be there again) when he remarked, “I’ll understand if you buzz off.” What could I do? It was hot and I wanted a cold drink.

He wouldn’t let me buy the first round; which meant I had to buy the second round and stay for awhile. As he waddled over to the bar I studied him. He wore a too tight Pepsi T-shirt that showed his willingness at advertizing his muffin top (think I’ll switch to Dr. Pepper) A feminine guy sitting next to me drawling, kept laughing to himself watching my situation or maybe it was the expression on my face. Pepsi Tight came over with our drinks-my beer and his Jack Daniels on the rocks; Pepsi Tight was hitting the hard stuff. His man boobs pointed at me like two guns in a bank robbery and I was the main hostage. His perspective loot? I guess he fancied a second date; I should have worn jogging shoes.

He basically drank his drink in two minutes; talking about himself in fevered glory. Pepsi Tight was all eye rolling and hand jittering like Helen Keller on Crack. He seemed to be a nice guy, but if Google had an official picture for delusional it would be him. I bought him another round. We started talking to the guy next to us. Soon Pepsi Tight needed to go have a cigarette. The guy next to me asked,” You got out of bed for this?” I had to laugh. It wasn’t just that he looked different from his pictures online, but we had nothing in common; I thought Michael Jackson was black; he thought he was white; it wasn’t going to work.

Back from his cigarette break Pepsi Tight went to the bar and ordered another round; I couldn’t leave now with free, cold beer coming my way. Time went on and the air conditioner started to go out in the joint. Pepsi Tight went to the bar without asking me and got a fourth round; maybe he was trying to get me drunk; I guess it worked I slept with him.

Just joking; there’s not enough alcohol in the world for that. By the fourth drink I was out the door; he was drunk as hell and wobbled out after me like a fly chasing a dog that pooped too much. On the street I tried to think of something positive to say; i'm not a total heartless jerk but luckily he just walked away like nothing ever happened. I stood and watched him strut down the street like a whore who just made forty bucks. Maybe it’s good to be delusional; Pepsi Tight was disappointed in me, but something tells me he’s disappointed on an hourly basis; I’m just disappointed in blind dates, but I’d be more disappointed if I never tried.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Amy Winehouse Found Dead, Wasted Talent

Amy Winehouse has been found dead at her home in London, it has been reported; she was only 27-years -old. She only recorded two albums and was at work on a new one that had been in the oven for years, but never fully cooked thanks in part to Ms. Winehouse’s trouble with drink and drugs.

In a statement, the Metropolitan Police said: 'Police were called by London Ambulance Service to an address in Camden Square NW1 shortly before 16.05hrs today, Saturday 23 July, following reports of a woman found unconscious in her London home.’ She was pronounced dead at 3:54pm London time.

Enquiries continue into the circumstances of the death. At this early stage it is being treated as unexplained, but several sources say it was drug related.

I’m mad at her. She was talented and unusual and had many more years to sing and entertain. Sometimes I’d see pictures of her and think she looked terrible and doubted her worth; other times she seemed to have it together and looked pretty good, so I happily rooted for her like a father at his son’s first baseball game. Sometimes I wonder if humans get a sick thrill out of seeing other’s fall on their face.

I wish she could have killed the dragon that chased her daily; it made her his victim of highs & lows. Some people are able to come out of any situation and survive-head up, lessons learned. Some people give up, give in to their weaknesses and fall head first; maybe the only way for Ms. Winehouse to slay her dragon was to let it eat her alive.

Back To BlackFrank

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Kim Kardashian’s Wedding Registry versus Prices Helping Poor Kids

UPDATED October 31, 2011:
Page 1 of Friday’s New York Times ran a color photo of a mother in Somalia trying to feed her baby suffering from malnutrition. Page 2 featured high end retail ads; one featuring a Chanel bag for $3, 200. It made me wonder; what could $3, 200 do to help? I made a chart comparing the needs of poor children and those of Kim Kardashian’s wedding registry list just for fun.

What Kim Wants                                                                   What Poor Kids Want

Silver serving spoon ($1,250)                                                Rice & Beans 375 lbs****($75)

Havana ashtrays ($840 each)                                                 Goat* ($120)

Christofle Vertigo small tray ($1,050)                                     Heifer* ($500)

Baccarat ice bucket ($635)                                                    Birth Certificate** ($25)

Lalique black clock ($1,115)                                                  Mosquito Net** ($30)

Nude black statue by Lalique ($325)                                      10 baby blankets** ($100)

Tourbillon black vase ($6,500)                                               Pig*($120)

Christofle Vertigo small tray ($1,050)                                     5 flu vaccinations*** ($175)

I’m not naïve to think if I handed over $3, 200 to poor children and their families, their pain & hunger would evaporate. You have to give money to organizations that can help the poor; it’s like giving $100 bucks to a homeless guy; is this going to get him off the street? No, he will probably use it on booze, broads or drugs. The homeless guy would be happy for a day, but this isn’t long term.

The poor need to eat, learn trades and get medication. I know this is controversial to say but I think they also should get birth control until they can help themselves; why have these kids if they can’t feed them? I don’t think rich people should have to give to the poor if they don’t want to, their money is their own; who the hell cares if they want to spend $2,000 on a pair of moccasins? I just find it funny when you compare the needs of gluttony to the needs of the unfortunate; it makes you see how stupid possessions are compared to a kid needing something to eat.

With a body like this, Kris Humphries will be OK;  who needs brains?

It would have been nice if privileged Kim Kardashian would have asked upcoming wedding guest to give gifts to charity, instead of asking people to buy her overpriced useless junk, that talentless; lard assed; fame whore celebrity doesn’t need. A smile of a once starving child brings me more joy than reading the extravagances of someone’s attention seeking wedding.

*UPDATE: October 31, 2011. Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce after only 72 days of marrige. Kris Humphries (the big, doe eyed goon who married her) had a suspicion his bimbo wife Kim Kardashian could be bailing on their marriage, but has told NBA friends he was “blindsided” by Monday’s divorce filing and learned of the news through a TMZ report like the rest of the world. Maybe Kris should have gotten a clue or brain cell and relized that The Kardashian's only do things for publicity; i'm sure the public will be force fed Kim's tragic side of the story like a Crack Whore being fed a pep talk.

Dear public; forget about these fame seeking gargoyles. I wonder if Kardashian will give back all the gifts? I doubt it, knowing the Kardashian's they will sell the stuff on Ebay or Craigslist just to get more money and fame.






Monday, July 4, 2011

Trying To Lose Weight? Don’t Watch Late Night TV

We don't look like him.

   Late Night TV hopping had me bored, finally I found a TV movie with a woman being betrayed and thought it would help me sleep. Suddenly a Burger King commercial flashed on the screen; followed by Budweiser & Dunkin Donuts; I found myself wondering if there was a BK or DD open at 2: 00 A.M? How people are supposed to lose weight with food shoved in their face? Why don’t we ever see commercials celebrating the wonders of broccoli?

   I Understand It’s all a part of advertizing and it’s easier to make over processed crap than it is organic tasty delights, but how is a brother suppose to stay thin in the summer? (I won’t even mention winter and those damn tasty Chicken Pot Pies) Late night TV should be flooded with commercials featuring salad; that would make me fall right to sleep. I don’t need temptation; I need medication my Barnyard Friends. A cookie is good anytime of the day; but a cookie after midnight, even sweeter.

   According To Psychology Today, the effect of junk food ads is not simply brand preference: An ad for M&Ms did not cause people to go search for M&MS. The junk food ads just caused people to eat whatever was available. So if the Lay’s chips are in your house, and the commercial for Pringle’s starts blaring, don’t be surprised if you open that bag of Lay’s.

   So what’s The solution my Barnyard Friends? Give sugar and salty goodies up for good? I would say no, but if you must have them; eat them on the day you buy them. This way when you have the late night munches, there won’t be much temptation besides gadgets that cost 19.95 and require you to ACT NOW! By the way, anybody want to buy some handy gadget’s that cost 19.95? If you ACT NOW! I will give you a second one for free with separate shipping and handling.