Friday, August 26, 2011

At Funeral, Dog Mourns The Death Of Navy Seal Killed In Afghanistan

Jon Tumilson, a Navy Seal, was one of 38 Americans killed in Afghanistan on Aug. 6 when a rocket-propelled grenade destroyed a U.S. helicopter. He was mourned at a service in Rockford, Iowa, attended by 1,500 family members, friends-and Hawkeye, Tumilson's loyal dog.
The Labrador retriever was such an important part of Tumilson's life that his friends and family often referred to the dog as his “son.”
When Tumilson's buddy Scott Nichols walked to the front of the room to speak, Hawkeye followed, lying next to his “dads” coffin, letting out a big sigh, according to observers. Hawkeye laid by the casket for the entire funeral.
War is senseless in so many ways; I could argue 20 reasons why Jon Tumilson shouldn’t have been fighting this war but it wouldn’t matter. Tumilson’s family and friends will have to grieve for their fallen son, brother, uncle, cousin, friend, in a way that fits their individual personality.

For one lonely dog named Hawkeye, his suffering will be done in silence.


Monday, August 22, 2011

Lazy Lover

   THE EVENING WAS going so good I almost wished something bad would happen. He was smart, cute, sarcastic and had all his teeth; totally my type. When a drunken straight girl barged her way into our booth and made us sit closer I felt the electricity from his corduroy pants leg; this dude could be the jelly to my peanut butter; the Spam to my eggs; the Cipro to that groin itch.

In my bed after we exhausted foreplay; I asked him about his lacking “Monica Lewinsky” type skills; his reply, “I don’t really do it that well, so I always give up, my last three boyfriends cheated on have a diet Coke?”

I let it drop and we finished our dance. Later when he was gone and I was brushing my teeth I had to think that was a poor answer. He is 32-years-old; when does one get good at such a thing; 80-years –old? And then you can take out your teeth; so it doesn’t mean you’re better at it; it means you’ve worked around your lack of oral talent.

I agreed to a second date, but my hesitation is, maybe he just sucks in bed. I definitely met people before that were great at everything but sex, kissing or intimacy. That my friend could admit his shortcomings was kind of refreshing, but disappointing that he couldn’t give it the old college try.

Our next date was scheduled 9 days later-thanks to his busy schedule. As the days drag on now I wonder how to make him better. Should I bring a cucumber for him to practice on? Maybe that’s too much; maybe I should start with a pickle or if he’s that much of a wuss; maybe a gherkin?

Saturday is only a few days away but seems like months. Will the second try be better or will he sink into oblivion like many others before him? When Saturday came he didn’t call me and I didn’t call him; so I made other plans. Later in the day he texted, “what was up.?” I thought it’s more like, what went down after his terrible performance.

I really think I should tell him how much he sucks in bed; I’m known to do as much with other people. I find it my duty to tell people what other people won’t say. I decide not to tell him; let him bore some other unsuspecting lover boy in the sheets; It also made me wonder how many lovers out there I bored in the sack. What's good to one person is bad to another; but dam at least seem like you're trying or caring if you're going to bother to get naked.

Do you think you’re good in bed? I thought I was but maybe it's just me who sucks at sex.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Are Asians & Indian Men Easier To Get In Bed?

THE BAR WAS trendy and the people more into their iPhones then the botoxed friends they hung with. I went through the crowd to find Pete; feeling more like-a gazelle on a conveyor belt-through the jungle -then a gay dude hanging at a bar; people here either want to f#$k you or f#$k you over. Pete is someone I’ve known on and off for years. One of those friends you have drinks with twice a year; if you don’t come up with a better excuse before you commit.

Laughs went on as trendy guys and girls all pretended they should be somewhere else. I was getting ready to hit the road when Pete said loudly, “If I don’t meet a guy soon I’ll have to grab an Asian or Indian guy.”

Wait a minute I thought, “What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, interested.

“You know, Asians and Indian guys love Caucasian men, and they’re so desperate to get them-they’ll do anything you want in bed.”

I was shocked by my friend’s stupid logic but I have to admit I’ve heard this before in passing conversation; could this be true I wondered? And was Pete racist or just being honest?

I’m not one of those bleeding hearts who cries every-time someone says something that’s not nice or political incorrect. I love making jokes about everything; I think when you make something taboo you give it power but Pete’s statement was more than a joke; it’s how he felt; how he believed things to be. He said it with no malice and as a matter of fact.

As the evening went on Pete’s logic ran in my mind. I did notice a large amount of Asian men in attendance, but they didn’t look more or less hornier then the rest; was there some eye signal I was missing, or maybe I didn’t hear when they whispered things like, “I love You Long Time, Whitey!” Or “Get Your Curry-In A Hurry-My Caucasian Stud!”

Fox “News” reported President Obama had a party at the White House, of course they didn’t elaborate that it was his birthday party; they turned it into some racist joke to appease their followers (whom when not watching Fox are sleeping with hookers or marrying one of their kin) The New York Times reported on August 10, 2011, “To most news Web sites, what happened at the White House on Thursday night was a private 50th birthday party for President Obama. To an editor at Fox News, it was something a little different. “Obama’s Hip-Hop BBQ Didn’t Create Jobs,” read the headline on an article on The Fox Nation, a conservative arm of “The president asked everyone to dance — and they did!” read the Politico account. The menu included barbecue chicken, ribs, hot dogs and salad. What no Chitlins?

Different ethnic groups will always be objectified by moronic people, it’s somewhat of a human trait to try to take down someone that you think is weaker than you out of fear, but to try and classify one group with only one trait is pretty damn asinine.

And let’s face it, most men; black; white; brown; yellow; Avatar colored-will do anything you want in bed, just ask.