Thursday, November 17, 2011

Happy Gas-Giving, My Mom Blows Up The Turkey.


*My mom fancied herself a good cook; just like Dina Lohan fancies herself young, and a good mother. One Thanksgiving I watched as my mom stood at the kitchen table bathing a turkey with margarine; its false yellowness shining. If the turkey wasn’t already dead, it would have drowned in hydrogenated oils; my family was raised on preservatives with a double dash of cholesterol, salt and tears.

She made two boxes of Stove Top stuffing that was way too much for a 15-pound bird. My mom was not one to think too much about things. In fact, I believe our family motto was: Do first, think later; Of course I told her she was making too much stuffing; she gave me a dirty look; ashes dangling from her cigarette as she stuffed the birds behind.

“What the hell do they know?”

“But mom, the directions are there for a reason.”

“Oh, please! I’ve been stuffing turkey’s asses before they were born."

I sat at the kitchen table and looked at the three cans that held the vegetables that were supposed to give us a dose of healthiness. As I remembered it these vegetables always withered on my fork before they even made the journey into my mouth.

I tried to help my mom so I opened the can of sweet potatoes and let them hit the pan. The color was a shade of orange I’ve never seen and worst yet they smelled funny. The rest of the so-called sweet potatoes plopped out with a struggle; I guess they didn’t want to go voluntarily and needed coaxing.

I was disappointed; instead of the juicy ripe sweet potatoes that were pictured on the can, what sat there resembled a pile of horse manure that fell into a pot of orange Jell-O. Looking at the can’s label there was a golden brown turkey in the background and ripe sweet potatoes upfront. Studying the picture more closely I saw in fine print that this was just a serving suggestion, and it wasn’t their problem if you thought you were going to have mouth watering sweet potatoes and they took no responsibility if they sucked.

55 to 60 minutes later there was a noise like splat and I could hear my mom cursing.

“Oh shit, God damn it!”

I came downstairs to see the kitchen a mess and the stove looking like a bomb had gone off inside of it. The turkey had blown up.

“Shit. Don’t just stand there Hudson, help me,” my mom said.

The stuffing was like lava as it bubbled out of every pore of the oven, some even flew up to the cabinets that were over the kitchen sink. Maybe now when the lava stuffing was wiped, the cabinets would get cleaned for once.

I tried to help her wipe the mess up but the damage was so explosive it was hard to know where to start; some had even made it on poor Duke, our dog, who tried to reach the oily matter that was on his back with his tongue.

“I knew I should have bought a Butterball, never had no trouble with a fucking Butterball!” my mom said, making the sign of the cross.

As I tried to wipe the top of the oven I noticed that my mom had put the oven on broil and not the recommended 350 degrees.

“Mom, this is on broil, that’s too high—that’s why the stuffing got so hot and popped.”

“Balls, I’ve done it a hundred times before, damn turkey is no good.”

“The directions say 350! 350!” I yelled, pulling them out of the garbage and showing the torn plastic to her.

“What the hell do they know? I’ve been stuffing turkeys assess for over forty years!”

Save room for the pumpkin pie or the Gas-X

*Excert from "There's A Bastard Born Every Minute" a new book  by Hudson Taylor
 “I know, I know-How about Pizza Pizza!” I said, doing my best Amy Sedaris as “Jerri Blank” impression; before I even knew who Amy Sedaris was. Unfortunately everything was closed because of Thanksgiving.

We had the only thing that was in the refrigerator-hot dogs and baked beans. Franks & beans; it was one Happy Gas-Giving I’d never forget.

Years later as I prepare Thanksgiving dinner im reminded of my mom and her turkey massacre; it makes me teary eyed that she is gone, but I always smile when I think of this story.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Penn State Pissed Because Coach Fired Over Boys Rape

Buds Sandusky & Padterno laugh it up, soon they might not be laughing in jail.

Penn State students react to Paterno's getting fired. Amazing; anyone here think about the poor boys who got abused? I guess not; the only thing on thier minds is a stupid football game.
All of the men involved in covering up these childrens rape are just as guilty as Sandusky; if not more, Sandusky is a sick f*!k, these other men should know right and wrong and I hope they all go to jail; no matter thier status in society or the playing field. I understand a lot of people are upset Padterno got canned, he was a upstanding guy in the game of sports; well he was a horrible human being for not turning in his perverted friend, and in the end, it's the game of life that truly matters.

Ditzy actor Ashton Kutcher sent out tweets defending Padterno; when someone explained to Kutcher why Padterno got the boot, Kutcher eraced his love of Padterno tweets and shut up, finally, hopfully he'll stay off Twitter and go back to playing stupid on TV, screwing skanky girls and making those stupid camara TV comercials we all hate.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Are Manners and Joyce DeWitt Dead?

DeWitt spends her time these days fending off foot fetish people; who for some reason love her buinon's. Google Joyce DeWitt feet and you'll get web sights and forums raving about Dewitt dogs.
    Coming out of the gym today I opened the door for a frizzy haired redhead; instead of thank you the redhead just gave me a dirty look. I have to say this pissed me off. Why couldn’t she utter thanks before she worked on her thighs? I feel like the art of saying please; excuse me; thank you; has been replaced by arrogance and annoyance. Does it really hurt to be polite?
Sometimes I leave the island of Manhattan and go to a smaller city. Doors are held open; smiles are given without wanting something in return. It throws me off until I get use to it. If you live long enough in New York you kind of morph into an un-thoughtful jerk, if you’re not careful.

On the American citizenship test, foreigners are required to learn things most American born people don’t know or care about like, “Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?” and “What is the judiciary branch of our government?” Do many Americans know the answers, I don’t.

I personally think manners should be a requirement on citizenship test. Certain cultures don’t require you to cover your mouth when you cough or wear deodorant in the summer. So instead of people learning about how many stars there are on our flag, why not teach them American manners; controversial? Yes; someone coughing in your face on a crowded subway? Gross.

In life you’re always going to have your sour apples and nasty people. We all have our days and that’s understandable. New York is crowded and busy. I’m just saying; let’s show each other a little respect and curtsey; it really doesn’t hurt I promise.

Joyce DeWitt is alive; she hasn’t acted much since Three’s Company went off the air in 1984. On July 4, 2009, DeWitt was arrested in California, and cited for drunk driving; I hope Jack, Chrissy or Mr. Furley never find out.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

“Revenge,” Is Worth The Drama. “Desperate Housewives,” Should Be Evicted Sooner.

New series “Revenge” gives you the right amount of scenery; hot guys/hot girls, juicy twist & turns and enough quotable lines to keep you laughing around the water cooler the next day.

“Desperate Housewives,” limps to its final season and has become so boring you can miss two episodes, and it doesn’t matter. The writers right off should be smacked upside the head for wasting the talents of Vanessa Williams. Mrs. Williams was first introduced as a sexy man-eater; she was hired to add heat after Nicollette Sheridan was canned like a tomato, but instead of rising temperatures the writers have turned her character into a nosy neighbor who can’t get a man; hello, have the writers seen Vanessa Williams? I’m gay and she could steam my milk anytime.

VanCamp gives her famous icy stare.

“Revenge,” centers on a young woman who is welcomed into a community (The Hamptons) filled with people who don't know; she's only there to seek revenge on those who had destroyed her & her family. To be honest at first I wasn’t sold on Emily Van Camp as the lead, but after a couple of episodes I’ve come to love her and get why she’s perfect for the role. I think people are responding to “Revenge.” Because; A. Good writing. B. Haven’t we all wished we could plot revenge on someone who hurt us; wouldn’t it be fun, just a little bit?

ABC has picked up “Revenge,” for a full season and why not? It’s kicked the panties off its competition (CBS’s CSI and NBC’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) Watch “Revenge”; it’s a great show that will have you wanting more like a good piece of chocolate cake.

Revenge hunks; i'll take two of them and call you in the morning.

Madeleine Stowe sizes up the new bitch in town.

When the show was fun, not a snore fest.

Desperate Housewives, for its last season seems content to bore its audience with mediocre writing and hammy acting from its leads, who all seem bored with their parts; I don’t blame you ladies; I’ve fell asleep twice watching this season. When DH first came on the air it was fresh and fun; it was also great to see a show with four women over 40, being the leads of a TV show and not neglected to playing third banana; which often means playing the role of a crazy old whore or worse yet; boring mom. Unfortunately time has not been kind to the women of Wisteria Lane; hopefully creator Marc Cherry is saving some good stuff for the end of the season.

Revenge airs Wednesday nights at 10: pm on ABC.

Desperate Housewives airs Sunday nights at 9: pm on ABC.