Monday, January 23, 2012

Hey Y‘all I Got Diabetes; Want A Fried Twinkie? Paula Deen’s Shocking Greed.

Two tons of lard fell into the fryer this week as the “Twinkie” company files for bankruptcy and Paula Deen admits to having diabetes.

Paula Deen has sold her brand of down-home southern charm to the buying public for years now. Many of us have laughed along with the potato shaped lass as she bragged about loving butter, and once made a gut growing recipe involving fudge and Velveeta cheese on national TV. Deep frying Dean is now in hot oil herself; burping to a stunned public that she has type 2 diabetes.

Deen says she came out now about her condition because of God; well God must be her agents last name as she has announced that she is the new spokesperson for a diabetes drug called Victoza. Deen yaks that she’s on the drug but won’t say if the drug is helping her or not. What really fries my buns is that Victoza cost $500 a month, while other diabetes drugs on the market cost around $90 a month. If you’re a person with diabetes, would you trust Deen with her endorsement of Victoza? A person who lied three years about her own health, so she could make more money on people on getting fatter with her endless supply of artery busting recipe’s.

There’s nothing Deen won’t put her name on to make a greasy dollar; go to your local T.J Maxx or Marshall’s and you’ll find Dean's mug on everything from barbecue sauce to frying pans.

Hostess, the maker of “Twinkies”, “Snow Balls”, “Wonder Bread” and other high calorie, cavity-making goodies has filed for bankruptcy after continually losing profits. I find that surprising given the majority of their product has nothing but crap in the ingredients and I doubt it cost them much to make. I guess in 2012, the era of processed food corporations has begun to fall like drunks off a barstool. My generational was all about quick & easy cooking; we got lazy and corporation’s like Hostess and vermin like Paul Dean took advantage of it. Now my generational is suffering the effects; obesity; high blood pressure and diabetes among other things.

Of course I’ll always have sugar and fried foods; I love them, but I’ll keep them in moderation.

Like the Iron Curtain and the tube tops of slutty Starlets, some things are meant to fall down. I don’t wish for the hundreds of little people at Hostess to lose their jobs or for Paula Deen to stop spreading butter on TV, but when push comes to shove, my health is more important than anything else and I want to know the facts before I consume something; then I’ll decide if I want to eat it or not.

Go to Paula Deen’s website; with recipes like “Deep Fried Bacon Mac & Cheese” and “Twinkie Cake” It’s easy to see how she got diabetes. Her deceit also shows because she doesn’t list calories for the recipes; want to guess how much fat is in “Deep Fried Bacon Mac and Cheese?” I don’t think it would be pretty.

Judge Judy said it best, “Don’t pee on my leg and then tell me it’s raining.”

Update: Paula Deen drops pounds of pudge by not eating her own food; wow if only us suckers who paid for her crap knew not to eat her ass-growing cooking, we'd be thinner too, but then most of us don't get paid big money like Deen, who in my opinion would hold in a fart until someone paid her to indorse Gas-X.

Deen blabs to People magazine next week in a lame cover story, that shows off her 30 pounds free figure, but gives no real information on how she busted her big gut. Some say the diabetes medication that Deen indorses ( Victoza) helped her tummy-get-yummy. Others have speculated that Deen had a tummy tuck.

Who knows the truth with Deen, but I will say she does look better, lets just hope she stays out of the kitchen.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Count Your Pennies; Things That Will Cost You More In 2012

Trash making cash.

Food shopping recently, I was shocked to see that Con’Chedda(I kid you not, that was her name) my cashier, charged me three dollars for a tomato. “3 bucks, it’s not organic” I said. With her hand on her hip she answered, “I rung up regular tomato, u want it or not?” I shook my head yes.

Kim Kardashian and her family of gypsy's keep rolling in the bucks; but the normal hard working American has to actually work for a living to pay Uncle Sam.

Maybe we all should make a sex tape and get married on TV for 72 days?

The government has said the economy is great and almost fully recovered. It made me wonder (and drink) here are some things to make you question those jive turkeys in Washington.

1. Tomatoes:

Frigid temperatures in Florida and Mexico destroyed much of the winter tomato crop this year; the result? Prices are shooting up faster than a street whore. Freezing winter weather in Florida wiped out nearly 70% of its tomato crop and growers in Texas and Mexico suffered similar temperatures. Some states in Mexico also lost as much as 70% of their tomato crops; anyone want a radish on their hamburger?

2. The Cost of Gas and Heating Fuel:

With oil already up 20 percent this years, economists are asking how long it will take before it puts the breaks on the economic recovery. If you're looking for the cheapest gas in the country, you'll have to haul it to Wyoming, the only state where gas still averages under $3.50 a gallon. The national average, now $3.79 per gallon, is just 32 cents away from the all time high set in July of 2008. Prices have been driven up by the global economic recovery, record speculation, and unrest in the Middle East.

3. Clothing Prices:

Cotton has more than doubled in price over the past year, hitting all-time highs. The price of other synthetic fabrics has shot up roughly 50 percent as demand for alternatives and blends has risen. Good news, Acid wash jeans from the 80’s can be found in your local thrift store for under $8 bucks. Clothing prices are expected to rise about 10 percent in coming months, with the biggest increases hits coming in the second half of the year, said Burt Flickinger III, president of Strategic Resource Group. Basically you’ll have to pay 10 clams more for those booty shorts.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

When Is The Right Time To Declare You’re “Dating”

Catching up with a buddy over coffee yesterday-my friend, who is French exclaimed that he has been so busy because of work, and because he’s been dating this guy. I was excited for my smelly cheese loving friend; it had been awhile since he’d been dating someone and I peppered him with questions about his new Hunka-Hunka Burning Love.

As my friend-let’s call him-Lil Sheba, gave me the skinny. The truth hit me like a Sea Breeze with too much breeze and no vodka. Lil Sheba told me that he had only been on three dates with this new love “Rambo” and that they hadn’t had sex yet; I hadn’t felt this letdown since the ending of “Lost” was a disappointment.

I tried to hold in my feelings and pretend (but like the promotion NBC is giving “Whitney” It made no sense) so I shut my mouth and tried to think of something positive to say. Suddenly seconds went by but it felt like hours; my stomach did a forbidden dance and my eyes watered until I told him how I felt, “I don’t think you can say you’re dating someone after 3 dates and definitely not until you slept with him.” I know, I should have, “Put a lid on it,” like Sister Rosetta use to tell me in 3rd grade.

Lil Sheba nibbled on a lemon tart and tried to explain himself, “it’s not all about sex.” of course I get that; but hello you have to be somewhat sexually compatible before someone gets the “dating” title, Because if 3 dates and no sex qualified as dating; I dated over 20 people last year; damn I’m hotter than I think.

With 2012 just starting I wanted to be a kinder, gentler me; a Hudson 7.0 or something so I tried to be more psychological about my friends wording (and to be honest this is not the first time my friend has said he was “dating” someone he hardly knew) Eventually Lil Sheba explained there is no French word for dating and after some laughs and debating we agreed on a simpler, “had a couple dates with this guy-I like him and we’ll see where it goes.”

I guess I shouldn't judge my smelly cheese loving friend so harshly; when i'm still waiting for "the Winchester brothers" from "Supernatural" to just make out already.

"Supernatural" actors; just because they are hot.
In the end I’m glad I said something; Lil Sheba was annoyed with me at first, but eventually was happy I clued him in on his wording. All joking aside I love my friend and don’t want people to think he’s flaky or worst yet, na├»ve.

Sometimes with friends you have to know when to be honest and other times know when to shut your big mouth. I wonder what you guys think.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Vote Rick Santorum for President; If You Want A Mini Hitler.

Rick Santorum shows a trick learned on the road.
It’s a balmy Thursday night but sweat made the back of my shirt feel wet. I sipped my over priced coffee waiting for Rick Santorum’s number one fan (as he called himself) I almost wanted to jump out of my seat when I heard my name come out of the lips of a chubby guy in too-tight jeans; this couldn’t be J. Smith I thought; he was too feminine to be a so-called Christian conservative; who breathlessly told me over the phone that If we elect Santorum for President it will; let me quote him here, “Stop all dem queers from getting hitched; get the blacks off Welfare; same dem abort babies and keep the Mexicans out of our country.”

After buying him a coffee we sat down next to two chatty teenage girls. Ignoring them I wanted to understand more about Rick Santorum. I knew little about him until his shocking second-place finish in Iowa, which came after months of dragging his bad suits throughout the state’s 99 counties and more than 350 town halls campaigning. Wisely instead of asking J. Smith what Rick Santorum was all about I did some research on what Santorum stands for. I’d just like to remark that every time I spoke to J. Smith he picked his private parts and it was off putting; nerveless it didn’t slow me down and like my dog Dante, I like to dig.

Rick Santorum on:

Contraception: Santorum has preached to repeal all federal funding for contraception and allow the states to outlaw birth control, insisting that “it’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” Too bad your mother didn’t practice this Ricky boy.

Poor People With Cell Phones: In August, Santorum said that people who can’t afford health care should stop whining about the high costs of medical treatments, medications and spend less on non essentials like cell phones. Santorum explained that health care, like a car, is a luxury resource that is rationed by society.”OK I get it Ricky; you have to be good enough (meaning white & wealthy) to have health care and if you’re so sick, why should you have a phone?

Dan Savage & Hubby, Ricky no likey gay lovey.
Gays: swearing to the heavens that gay relationships “destabilize” society, Santorum wouldn’t offer any legal protections to gay relationships and has pledged to annul all same-sex marriages if elected President. During his 99-country tour of Iowa, fatty Santorum frequently compared same-sex relationships to inanimate objects like beer, basketballs, trees, and paper towels and even blamed the economic crisis on gay people. I can’t even make a joke here; this guy is really moronic, and really dangerous.

J. Smith told me that Santorum was going to make a better America; it made me think as he wiped his dripping nose on his sleeve; we all have religions or things we believe in; some people think there is a God; some go with notion that a fortune teller can predict their future. We all will never think the same and that’s what makes America great; so why do Republicans always try to win votes by denouncing other minority groups; if there is a God; he will judge me and some bigoted politician who doesn’t give a crap about anything but power and seeing his name in print.

Do as I say says Hitler like Santorum.
 J. Smith smirked when I told him how I felt about Santorum, adding, “It’s time the whites are back in power.” I had to laugh when he said this, in this day and age that someone could be so stupid, and here in New York, kicked me so hard I needed a good drink.

I’m not into politics; I’m neither a Democrat nor a Republican but I won’t vote for a bigot; there should never be a my-way-or-no way attitude when it comes to the man or a woman who has the power to push the “button.” Voting for a scoundrel like Rick Santorum is like spiting on all the graves of the men and women who fault to make our country diverse and free. I’m not sure whom I will be voting for, but I won’t be voting for monster that has no human compassion. Rick Santorum is not a leader; he is a horrible zealot that shouldn’t be able to run up a hill, let alone this great country of ours, amen.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Remember When Madonna Was Cool?

There was a time when Madonna could do no wrong when it came to her fans and some of the public. She was once the biggest Star in the world; known for her crass sexuality, catchy songs and desire to sleep with many men as quick as possible. Madonna was it. Now the once mighty queen has got a challenge on her hands; she is set to birth a new album in 2012. Can she still produce good music in the age of “American Idol”; Lady Gaga; YouTube; etc? Things have changed in the world of music and the gap toothed skank from Michigan could have a rocky climb back up the charts. Most female stars her age can’t reach their knees, let alone capture a younger generation that knows her only as, “that old lady who dates young guys and has the phony English accent,” as one 16-year-old explained to me.

Madonna is an American success story; one that is over shadowed by her public persona. She came from nothing and made it big, admitting to eating out of garbage bins while in New York, and sleeping with any man (and rumored women) that could get her foot in the door to Hollywood. Many have done the same as Madonna and offered less. She was never a beauty, didn’t have the best voice and had the manners of a drunken chimpanzee, but M had something else that left other sluts in the dust: perseverance.

Madonna & Jesus; mother & son? or girlfriend & boyfriend? You decide.
The 1990’s belonged to Madonna; some say Michael Jackson was King, well if he was; M was queen, and unlike Jackson she didn’t sink into plastic surgery, drugs and a rumored obsession with blonde boys and their knickers. Like a lot of Hollywood celebrities she discovered a religion that catered to her and her famous purse- Kabbalah. M let a guy with bad facial hair knock her up; met macho director Guy Richie; developed a strange English accent; starred in terrible movies; dumped her huge gay following for Guy Richie. By 2005 M was living in England with Richie; more kids, some good records and movies followed; well only one good movie, “Evita,” and that’s mostly because she sang and didn’t talk too much.

Madonna on top in 1990: Spain Vogue Magazine.

SUPRIZING FACT: Strangely M has opened a chain of gyms called Hard Candy; the first two are in Mexico City and Moscow; where’s the next location; A poor village in Africa?

2012 brings M back into the spotlight, new single, “Gimme All Your Love" was released at the end of January; just in time for her Super Bowl performance. I heard a sneak preview of “Gimme,” it’s a new sound for her (1960’s girl group vibe) with a rap from already over used guest rapper Nicki Minaj; I don’t think it will blow up on radio but should make the top 10 charts. Update:"Gimmie" bombed on the charts and radio and another song was rushed out "Girl Gone Wild." Another radio bomb. A "sexy" video was made to cause scandal, no one much talked about it.

Hopefully at the age of 53, M has grown tired of spreading her legs in every video and concert performance and is ready to entertain us with something fresh and new. Now that M has left Richie and is on the prowl for young men who can’t speak English; maybe these young studs will give her the spark to churn out a great new album and tour; if anybody can do it, it’s Madonna; now only if she’d develop a sense of humor. In the end, love her or hate her. Madonna will always be here to stay.

Update: Madonna has set a record for biggest fall from the charts in the second week of the album being on the charts. The album shot to number 1 last week, but only because there was a deal to get her concert tickets and the album together, and that was counted as sales for album. With Madonna saying "fuck" alot and song titles like"Gangbang." It's no wonder the public is turned off. Madonna can be cool, but she's almost 54-years-old, please act your age and not the music your 24-year-old boyfriend listens to.

Now in its second week MDNA fell like a safe from the 30th floor, crashing 88%. Amazon is selling the cd for $4.99. Oh well, maybe she can go back to acting. I'll just play her old hits until she puts out something better.

I wonder if Madonna's 24-year-old boyfriend is sneaking out with the silverware as we speak.