Sunday, October 28, 2012

Duck Stupid! How to Survive a Hurricane by My Momma.




My momma was born in 1921 and she had a lot of advice about storms, and when she took her medication; most of what she said even made sense.

My momma lived through several wars, many presidents and even different Michael Jackson noses, so she knew a thing or two about life.

Here is what she often told me about hurricanes, and let’s hope everyone, from old friends-to-new friends-to-Republicans remain safe, as we wait out this Frankenstorm with the innocent name of Sandy.

1. When there’s a hurricane; that means the devil is flushing his toilet; so stay inside.

2. Hide in the bathtub, and shave your legs to wait out the storm.

3. Don’t fry bacon, you’ll be electrocuted.

4. Hide under a coffee table, and if you’re too fat; now’s the time to diet.

5. If you see a cow flying; duck, stupid.


Me and  my momma; damn I was a chubster!
6. If your cellar is too packed, make the old people get out-they’ve lived long enough.

7. Don’t have sex; it will make your future children cross-eyed.

8. Don’t pray to God; he went to the movies.

9. Take a laxative; this way you won’t shit yourself in case things get bad.








Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Capital One Bank is one of the Worst Banks in the World




Like a dirty old man sneaking into a young girl’s bedroom, Capital One Bank has been putting chloroform to their customer’s lips by imposing a new policy, which began On June 5th 2012. For any customer who has a checking account that doesn’t hold a daily balance of $300; you will be robbed-I mean charged, $8.95 monthly. I always thought this kind of charge was pure gluttony on banks part. So you’re basically telling the public if you don’t have enough money, u will be charged extra. It’s no wonder you can’t get ahead. Rich people get all the good incentives, tax breaks and argyle lamb’s wool sweaters, and the rest of us can eat dirt.

Why banks enforce this rule I don’t know. A friend of mine who is “high up” at a well known bank confided in me (after a few scotch’s) that some banks want their customers to use their banking debit cards ONLY and it’s a way to steer people towards that. This way you keep all of your money in the bank and use only your debit cards, where in turn credit card companies like Visa and MasterCard grease the oily palms of the banks with a fat fee for all the usage of the debit cards.

When you’re living in New York without a partner or 10 roommates; it’s not so surprising that some of us can’t keep a balance of $300 a day-every day, especially after the first of the month with rent due and bills. Basically you get punished if you don’t have enough money by banking with Capital One.

Now I know why Capital One has commercials featuring Viking barbarians crashing through things and acting downright savage; what’s next Capital One; will you clobber your customers with a mallet when they don’t have over $200 grand a year in your bank?

If you’re thinking of opening an account with Capital One, don’t bother; they suck. Changing apartments in my building recently I called Capital One to change my address; simple enough right? Here is what I got after giving them all other personal information.

Capital One: I’m going to ask you a series of questions, which may or may not be true.

Hudson Taylor: um, I just need to change my apartment address.

C O: Yes sir you will need to answer these questions to do so.

H T: To change my apartment number? OK fine I’m ready.

C O: Did you ever live at 253 Pike Street, Alaska?

H T: Is this for real? This is like a Saturday Night Live sketch.

C O: (SILENCE)

HT: No...

C O: What does the address 28 Evergreen St, in Henryville mean to you?

H T: Birth place of Colonel Sanders? I have no idea, it means nothing to me-like this whole conversation, and whoever came up with this questionnaire is an idiot and should be fired.

C O: (SILENCE)

Talk about bad customer service, I thought I’d have to give her blood after awhile. Let’s just say I’ll be dropping Capital One faster than a Basketball player drops his pants in a whorehouse.

I know other banks charge similar for checking account balances. What fries my chicken is; when the banks get bailed out by the government, and receive generous holiday bonuses for all management; how can it be that they have money for bonuses but need to jack-up customer rates?

The cynic in me thinks they just want the extra funds for strippers, booze and cigars, and not because of their cries of poverty; as they drive off in their Mercedes and snakeskin boots. I say screw Capital One; let’s all demand that banks drop these stupid charges before it gets even more out of control; if not we can just ad banks to the list of greedy companies like electricity and cable; that are screwing us in the backside without as much as dinner or a kiss first.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Brad Pitt’s Commercials for Chanel No.5 are Stupid.



Brad Pitt, 48, is pretty cool and no matter how many crappy movies he puts out between good movies, it never seems to stop him from getting A pictures; where most other actors would be shaking their old asses on ABC’s hilariously titled, “Dancing With The Stars.” Pitt has maintained the public’s interest in him by banging some of Hollywood’s skinniest chicks; Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston and now Angelina Jolie.

Pitt always radiates on screen when in character, but if you ever saw him talk in an interview you’d swear he worked at a 7-11 in Ohio and wasn’t a millionaire movie Star; that’s why he’s an actor who needs good scripts to play off of; he didn’t find it in these loopy commercials, that have most people wondering what the people behind the scenes were sniffing besides perfume.

Pitt is the first man to ever do a Chanel No.5 ad, and probably the last. He reportedly got 7 million for indorsing the classic women’s perfume, that always reminds me of Grandma; when they laid her out at Dave’s Discount Funeral Home, off Route 1 by Piggly Wiggly.

Pitt appears in the commercial looking every bit of his age and acting like he’s stoned; or bored I can’t tell. The commercial is suppose to be sexy, but had me laughing hysterically; I almost thought they were Saturday Night Live sketches. To think people got paid big bucks to work on these and this is what they came up with? Insane.


In the strangely hypnotic commercial’s, Pitt says things like, “It’s not a journey, but every journey ends and we go on.” WTF? You’d think Chanel would have had the sense not to release it, but they did. Pitt isn’t even shot well and his eyes seem to be darting, like he’s thinking, “this is so stupid, but I need the money for my 6 kids and their college fund.”

Chanel, finally realizing they had a stinker on their hands, released a second commercial; which fairs no better, and looks more awkward then trying to French kiss a girl with braces. Whoever wrote and produced this crap should be put in a room and be forced to listen to Kathy Lee Gilford’s, “It's Christmas Time.” CD, until they produce a better commercial for Mr. Brad Pitt.

Check out the two commercials here:








Monday, October 1, 2012

666 Park Avenue Review: Even The Devil Wouldn’t Watch It.





Just when it looked like Vanessa Williams got some good luck after being stuck in a boring role on “Desperate Housewives,” she got cast in “666 Park Avenue,” unfortunately the fantastic Williams, has gotten herself glued to another bad show; that will have viewers wishing the devil possesses the network executives who green lit this crap.

The set up is so simple a five year-old could have made it up (maybe they did) A young and boring couple comes to fancy hotel to get job as Super’s(!) they get into 666 Park Avenue, run by the dude from “Lost,” Terry O'Quinn and Williams. O’Quinn plays his part well enough; is he just the owner, a magician or the devil himself? You won’t care after 60 minutes, when you realize a rectal exam would have been a better waste of your time.

When this show tries to scare you; you’ll laugh, and when you’re supposed to laugh; you’ll get scared that the show is still going on-and-on. The rest of the cast features actors with so little screen presence; you’ll never need a sleeping pill again. If you like scares and good drama; wait for the season premiere of “American Horror Story,” because the only fright here is how bad the show is. 666 Park Avenue should stay on the air as long as Lindsay Lohan stays out of trouble with the law.

666 Park Avenue airs Sundays at 10 on ABC.

Could the Devil be Vanessa Williams agent;  for landing her this snore fest?