Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Help Me I Don’t Understand.

I was sitting in my comfy new chair with my dog Dante on my lap and a bag of mini Reese’s on the right of me. It was a Saturday night and I was feeling right (in Manhattan, Saturday is the only night you stay home; it’s for amateurs, tourist and pick pockets) I turned on the TV and I almost swallowed my 5th or was it 6th Reese’s; why is “Blair” from “Facts of Life” on “Survivor”? And where the hell was “Tootie”? I watched closely, thinking it was a “celebrity” edition but I don’t think it was; no one else was famous on it, WTF?

Turning off the TV, and ON the laptop I saw an ad for “Dancing With The Stars,” and decided to see who these dancing stars were. Besides Kirstie Alley (who seems to be getting fat, losing weight, and getting fat again as a long time career goal) I didn’t recognize the plastic faces. Luckily ABC flashed the names so we viewers at home could figure out who these glittered nitwits were. Bristol Palin is on it and has had a facelift; but is she a Star? I don’t think so, why don’t they just call this show what it is; “Dancing With The Unemployed Show-offs”?

Disgusted I turn it off, rubbed Dante’s head; grabbed another treat and decided to go through the stack of books I’ve gotten from people. One after the other the books we’re “written” by “celebrities,” mainly children’s books. Children’s books are basically emails with pictures and I’m sorry to break it to anybody, but it doesn’t take much to write them. This is crazy, where are the real writers? And if it’s not children’s books; its cookbooks; like any of these reality actors have ever cooked a single meal from scratch or even know where the kitchen is.
No matter what face she has, Bristol Palin is still untalented.
Annoyed again I put aside the books and opened a magazine; on page 2 there was a huge picture advertizing ugly, women’s high heel shoes by Carlos Santana! What the hell does a greasy 1970’s musician have to do with selling women’s shoes? What’s next for Santana; Maxi-pads?

What is happening to the world? If Mother Teresa was alive; would she be dancing her ass off on TV? If John Lennon was alive would he be selling Women’s clogs? I don’t think so. I get people want to make money, but sometimes you should just say no.

Carlos by Carlos Santana shoes are really ugly and tacky; a perfect gift for that Ho who took your man.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Good Night J.R Ewing: Larry Hangman Dies of Cancer.

First Twinkies, now this; it's like my whole childhood is going away. Larry Hagman died Friday in Dallas at Medical City hospital from complications of his recent battle with cancer, members of his family said.

“Larry was back in his beloved Dallas, re-enacting the iconic role he loved most,” the family said in a statement. “Larry’s family and close friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. When he passed, he was surrounded by loved ones. It was a peaceful passing, just as he had wished for.”

Hangman, 81, rocketed to fame in the 1980’s as evil J.R Ewing and became one of the most highly paid actors in television history. Before “Dallas” Hagman was known for an early 1970’s TV show “I Dream Of Jeannie.” And being the son of Broadway legend Mary Martin.

Mr. Hagman lived in California with his wife of nearly 60 years, Maj. Despite his cancer, he gamely returned to Dallas to film season one of TNT’s “Dallas” reboot and was in the middle of filming part of the second season when his cancer struck him down.

Linda Gray, who played Hagman's long suffering wife, Sue Ellen on “Dallas”, was at his bedside when he passed. His co-star and real life friend Patrick Duffy was also there with Hangman’s family, both actors are said to be devastated.

Larry Hagman may be gone, but we will never forget him as evil J.R Ewing. Ironically Hagman said “Dallas” gave him a whole new life, and when he left this world, he died in a Dallas hospital, taking a break from a TV show that made him famous over 30 years ago.

Dallas reboot 2012 promo.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I See Fat People: How To Say Thin On Thanksgiving.

The holidays are suppose to bring people together, unfortunately we all tend to gain weight with tempting food; the stress of seeing family members and traveling; one can easily pack on more lard then a grill at a diner in a bad neighborhood.

So with an almost empty bag of Halloween candy by my side, I felt determined not to put on more than five pounds this holiday season and find out the secrets of holiday eating without the gilt come January. So I calculated all the stupid advice that’s out there, followed by my advice and here it goes.

• Martha Stewart.com: Instead of sitting around munching on candy, Stewart suggests to make your own Festive Envelopes. “Use paper treat bags as festive envelopes for your holiday greeting cards.” If I’m sitting around on a Friday night doing this, alone, I will have no choice but to eat sugar or kill myself.

• ABC News: “Drink two glasses of water and write down what you eat.” This is dumber than a Kardashian; could you imagine being at a holiday party, and as everyone is having a good time; you’re sitting there drinking two glasses a water like a Meth addict and scribbling into a notebook like a conspiracy theorist.

• Marie Claire: “Skip your usual evening meal and treat the cocktails like a dinner.” Leave it to a Women’s fashion magazine to tell you to drink instead of eat food. This may work for anorexic models, but the reality is you’ll get drunk and hook up with that creep from accounting-I’d rather gain weight.

• Richard Simmons: In trying to motivate his fans with his 2012 blog, Simmons explains Thanksgiving in mouth watering detail, that had me and I’m sure most of his lard assed readers-ready to gobble down everything in sight. “Tomorrow, your family is expecting a juicy Virginia ham, a big bowl filled with green bean casserole, a serving dish full of fluffy mashed potatoes and a stick of room temperature butter on the side-That'll make it easier to spread even more butter on those already buttered homemade yeast rolls everybody loves.”

When it comes down to eating for the holidays; enjoy yourself but there’s no reason to get crazy when eating, Thanksgiving comes every year no matter what; so you don’t have to feel like you’re missing out if you turn down that 3rd Pig in a Blanket. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

R.I.P Twinkies; I Loved You, Often.

Hostess, the makers of Twinkies, Wonder Bread, Ding Dongs and Ho Hos is out of buisness.

Yum, I will miss you, weirdly sexual named goodies; many of which got me through grades 1 to 8.

People are now selling Twinkies on Ebay for $59.99...that usually retail for $4.29 a box of ten Twinkies. Other boxes were on sale for $100 or more. Are people so stupid and fat? If so I better get to the store and buy them up.

And if anyone is thinking of ordering these over priced treats from Ebay; Hostess is out of buisness, but other companies will buy the brands, Twinkies will live on, my artery-clogging-loving friends.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Eddie Murphy is Dating a Hot White Chick.

With that pesky election out of the way, we as a nation can get back to what is most important; Eddie Murphy is dating a hot white chick.

Eddie Murphy, 51, has had a shady past when it’s come to romance for the sassy comedienne. Divorced in 2008 from his longtime wife, who gave him 5 kids, virile Murphy got Melanie (Scary Spice) Brown of the Spice Girls pregnant after a brief affair, Murphy denied he was the baby daddy, until blood test showed he was, as of this date Murphy has never met Angel Iris, 5.

There have been many rumors about Murphy’s sexual obsession with Transsexuals and toe sucking (I guess some Trannies got big feet) on Friday, May 2 at 4:45AM-Murphy picked up 20-year-old hooker named Atisone ‘Shalomar’ Seiuli, a Samoan born transvestite. Cops – on hooker watch - observed as she hopped in Eddie’s Land Cruiser and they drove off. Two miles later, they were pulled over, but since they were not engaged in any illegal behavior, Eddie was let go. Murphy denied he picked up the Almond Joy beauty for sex, and told “Entertainment Tonight” he was just helping a gal out; sure, and at 4:45am! (Mysteriously the Transvestite died a year later by falling from her roof; OK.)

Shalomar, jumped in Eddie Murphys car, did she also jump his bones?

Murphy also got married again in 2008 to Tracy Edmonds. Murphy and Edmonds got married in Bora Bora; which means it’s not legal in the U.S.A. They planned another legal wedding but Edmonds wouldn’t sign a prenup and the wedding was called off.

Haters hate, Murphys body is kicking at 51.
Now Murphy has been showing off 33-year-old Australian T&A model Paige Butcher. Some black women are pissed because they’re losing another brother to a white girl; I find that prejudice; so what, she’s as white as chalk, Butcher is hot and if she makes his world go round, so be it; let’s just hope Murphy doesn’t go out for anymore 4:45 AM drives.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Dumb & Dumber: Meet 2012’s Most Watery Turds.

When you’re hot; you’re hot, and when you’re not; well, you make my list for Most Watery Turds.

Take a look at 2012’s beauties.

Mike Bloomberg: The millionaire New York mayor proved he was the “Tin Man” and needed a heart from “The Wizard Of Oz.” Bloomberg help pass laws that stop hospitals from giving new mom’s breast milk; outlawed large soda’s, and as victims of hurricane Sandy were left with only the clothes on their back, Bloomberg demanded the *New York marathon* should still go on.

The marathon would have had millions of skinny people running a mile from the devastation. Still Bloomberg stuck up his pointy nose and didn’t care; hopefully his next prostate cancer exam isn’t done by someone who lives or has family in Staten Island, ouch!

Donald Trump: His face alone looks like an orange left out in the sun, but it’s not just his “haunted house” looks that landed him here. 2012 was the year “The Donald” fell on his face and really embarrassed himself.
With weekly appearances on Fox “News”-to offering President Obama $5 million to show his college records; Trump managed to sink lower than a snail in the Bermuda Triangle, and seems bent on becoming a laughing stock; most Republican’s don’t even want him around anymore.
Is Tim Tebow gay? Or just likes the taste of dark chocolate.

Tim Tebow: He made headlines when he came to New York last year. His PR person had him on the cover of all the rags and had the common folk lapping Tebow up like a hooker getting free Cipro. Tebow is known for his cabbage shaped head, as much as his praying on the field at every football game; look like God doesn’t like the Jets, or Tebow.

Tebow and the Jets have played so bad it was rumored the team would trade him; as of now Tebow can still stay on his knees as the Jets didn’t sack him, yet. I predict his PR person will have him seen in public with some girl to squash the gay rumors and get Tebow back in the public eye.

 *Due only to public outrage, Bloomberg cancelled the marathon at the last minute when the New York Post exposed that the city of New York had hid generators, water and supplies for the marathon, instead of offering them to all the suffering people; who were mostly middle class or poor. Still Bloomberg seemed not to get it, and apologized to the runners, not the victims of hurricane Sandy.