Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Eyeball Workout.

Why do people even work out anymore? Most of the people at my gym sit around farting and talking crap on their cell phone. Some even hang in the locker room pretending to undress for an hour.

When I'm at the gym, I'm working out. A lot of guys at my gym are just watching each other. I get it, You cruise or lose, and I am in Chelsea, but darn, doesn't THAT game get old after awhile. I like looking too, I am single and breathing, but I like to work out more then my eyes.

I love some of the outfits at my gym: mesh pink tank tops with cut off jean shorts; dirty white T-shirt with blue spandex shorts and dress shoes; socks pulled up to the knees. Sometimes I feel like running out of the gum screaming, "my eyes, my eyes.I'm blind!" How people can work out in jeans; I don't know-thats some jock itch they're going to get.

In the locker room, some guys love running around naked. Now of course, its never the guys you WANT to see naked. Its the fat, the tired, the wrinkled. There is nothing more jarring then a fat, naked hairy ass in your face in the morning before coffee has awoke half your body. Makes you want to go home and get back under the covers; I think that's what I'll do.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Drew Barrymore Debuts Make-up Line; You Wanna Look Like Her?

Barrymore promotes Flower wearing flannel over a gown; is she drinking again?

Last week Drew Barrymore introduced her own line of cosmetics called Flower at Walmart. Barrymore tried her best to promote the product on various talk shows; my peeps behind the scenes at the chat shows tell me; though sweet, people were laughing behind Barrymore’s back at the thought she could sell people her “look” even people who shop at Walmart want to look better than that.

Many think Barrymore should rethink her brand, with her baby shit colored hair, horrible fashion sense and annoying lisp, insiders advise she would be better at selling fishing rods or used cars. Many are giggling at the beauty salon with the news that Barrymore wants to go into fashion next; Lord help us.

At least when Barrymore worked for the Cover Girl brand she looked great, now the once box office sensation looks more like a lumber jack in Alaska then a rich celebrity. A top hair guru told me that Barrymore is getting too old to have such dark hair color and needs to go lighter to soften her look.

My spies tell me Barrymore’s make-up isn’t exactly flying off the shelves at Walmart but maybe with a new baby and husband, Barrymore should take some time off; isn’t it about time celebrities should stop being so greedy and stop making socks, make-up, HIV home kits and various other crap and just stick to acting or singing for a change?

Monday, January 21, 2013

Is Justin Bieber a Nympho? Shows Butt on Instagram.

Are these pictures from Manhunt?
 Surprisingly no, these are pictures Bieber has sent out.

Many industry insiders are scratching their heads (take your mind out of the gutter) about Justin Bieber, 18, releasing a picture on Instagram, showing his barely legal backside. Of course this is nothing new for the horny little Ellen DeGeneres-lookalike; in recent months the Biebs has sent out more half naked pictures than one of Charlie Sheen’s girlfriends.

In the new picture, Bieber has his pants pulled down, showing the whitest ass I’ve seen since the albino monk in “The Da Vinci Code.” What’s really telling of the pint sized warblers attitude is, that he’s posing next to one of his own concert posters; I guess some people can’t get enough beaver-um, Bieber.

Bieber’s fans are so angry, parents worry they’ll break their hymens in frustration over seeing so much skin from their favorite skinny Pop star. Like Lady Gaga’s, Bieber’s fans are out for his indorsed nail polish-and blood, if someone goes against him. His fans feel that Bieber is out of control and they are banding their braces together to save him.; maybe they should start with teaching Bieber how to wear a belt.

A similar campaign to save Bieber from his wild ways started after the diminutive singer was caught smoking something on film; that looked like Marijuana. A group was started, that claimed they would cut themselves until Bieber gets off the wacky-tobacky; hopefully some of them succeeded.

Gossip in the hair salons has it that Bieber is secretly gayer than a picnic basket, and showing so much hairless skin is a way of coming out, and letting the gays know he’s “Hot-To-Trot.” Others concede he’s straight, and just a nymphomaniac; who just can’t get enough “Kardashian” type attention.

Justin Bieber shows his butt on Instagram; in my day Scott Baio just took off his shirt and we were happy.




Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Happy 91st Birthday Betty White! Her Secrets Revealed.

“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” ― Betty White

Some actors die tragically young, others stick around so damn long they suck up the worlds oxygen; but not Betty White. On January 17, White will be 91-years-old and takes no medication, so instead of listening to bullshit from self help books and TV doctors, I thought it was about time to know the real deal on living a long and healthy life.

Like the fabulous Angela Landsbury, White didn’t get famous until she was over 50, and with “Golden Girls.” -she became a worldwide celebrity and she was in her 60’s. White, who was married three times and has no children, has been working in television since the 1949 when TV began. So in salute to a TV and inspirational icon, who proves life doesn’t end after 40-years-old.

White said in an interview last year that the key to her longevity is her diet: "Hot dogs, Red wines and potato chips and French fries are my favorite foods." Yum, if I ate like that I’d live long enough-to be a fat ass. Here’s a selection of White’s best quotes:

“I don’t care who anybody sleeps with. If a couple has been together all that time — and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones — I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.”

“I do have more in common with animal people,” she once said. “I find myself disappointed with those who are not interested in animals, they lack a certain warmth and tend to me a little self centered. Animal people have certain empathy -- this isn’t just me talking now. Research has shown this to be true.”

“The secret to going strong at my age is I get four or five hours a sleep a night. That’s all the sleep I need. And I’m blessed with good energy thanks to being blessed with good health.”

Happy Birthday Betty White, may you live forever.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Another Gang Rape in India. When Will People Declare Enough!

New Delhi, India. A married 29-year-old woman boarded a bus Saturday night, tired after a long day. When the bus drove past her stop the woman got worried. The bus driver and another man forcibly took the woman to a home, where 5 other men joined them and preceded to rape the woman. The next day, the suspects dumped her like garbage by her village, where she told her family and called police.

Rape is nothing new, but in India it is most vicious; not are you only violated by the rapist but you’re again molested by your family and the public at large; who seem to put more blame on the victim than the rapist. Many victim’s families dictate that the brother or father of the rape victim; kill the victim in a “mercy killing” that is suppose to cleanse the family’s honor; what a load of crap; how can these men be so cruel? And why don’t the women rise up and fight?

The alleged attack bears a similarity to a December 16 gang rape where attackers grabbed a woman after she boarded a bus. The men also brutally beat her and her male companion, robbed them of their belongings and later dumped them by the side of a road (the woman died two weeks later from her injuries) This attack got an outcry from the public at large and I hope the young woman who died (23) didn’t die in vain. How men and some women can devalue a life is beyond my way of thinking.

Most young girls who want to go to school in India have to pay; boys go for free. I’m not saying all India is bad, but places that don’t want women educated, but controlled are cowards; of course they don’t want these young girls to get educated, then they will realize that most of their society rules are bullshit, created by men. There are a lot of religions in America that do the same disrespect to girls and women and it disgusting that they get away with it.

It’s interesting to note that most religions are run by men, with rules written by men, and all the negatives get put to the women, and mostly positives given to the men. Maybe the world would be a better place if women were in charge, and rewrote the Bibles their way, where we men would suffer; how life would be different.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Lottery Scratch Off Winner Gets Rubbed Out.

Rich people always cry through their Botox that money isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In the strange case of Urooj Khan; winning a huge amount of money is a real killer.

Khan won A  million dollars from an Illinois Lottery scratch off ticket; a month later he went to the Lotto office to pick up his $425,000 check (damn taxes ate that million up!) The next morning Khan was dead.

Just like one of Agatha Christie’s books, Investigators initially ruled Khan's manner of death natural. But after being prompted by a relative, the medical examiner's office in Cook County, Illinois, revisited the case and eventually determined there was a lethal amount of cyanide in Khan's system.

The sad, but kinda humorous thing is whoever poised Khan, couldn’t wait to get their hands on his Lotto money, and poisoned him that night; if they had only waited a few months; it would have been less suspicious.

As of now Chicago police have not made any arrests.

"We are investigating it as a murder, and we're working closely with the medical examiner's office," Chicago police spokeswoman Melissa Stratton said Monday.

When Khan won the $1 million last year the hard working Indian immigrant couldn’t believe his luck; he even tipped the cashier a $100 buckaroos. Now Khan’s body can’t even be in peace as forensic specialists plunder his vital organs for more clues on who killed him.

Khan explained what he would do with his lotto money, “I will use for my mortgage, paying off bills, a donation to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and investing more in my dry cleaning businesses.” Maybe Khans wife, daughter or family didn’t like where the money was going and decided to get their share, now. Some speculate there could be a girlfriend or even a boyfriend (wow, this is better than Murder She Wrote) and maybe the wife got jealous, and even.

Murder She Wrote: Khan with wife and daughter; who poisoned him?
"Winning the lottery means everything to me," Khan said.

Khan's father-in-law, Fareedun Ansari, was living at Khan's home with his daughter and son-in-law when Khan was fatally killed. Ansari allegedly owes more than $120, 00 in back taxes. What’s mind boggling is Chicago police still haven’t gotten around to interviewing Ansari, and are focused on his daughter; for now.

Khan was known as a hard working, generous and kindly man, who came to America for opportunity, freedom and a new life. Sadly Khan will go back to India in a body bag, adding another statistic to the file on how winning the Lottery doesn’t guarantee a happy future.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Kim Kardashian’s Shocking Shame; Baby is Growing in Ass.

When Kanye West, 35, found out that his first recorded spawn was growing in still-married-to-another Kim Kardashian’s butt; he flipped out; saying out loud, “Now that don't kill me, can only make me stronger, I need you to hurry up now ‘cause I can't wait much longer.”

Rumors have run rapid that Kardasian’s ass, 32; is getting bigger than West’s ego. Doctors are baffled how the big bottomed-witchy looking beauty could be with child in her dump truck. Pimp and momma bear, Kris Jenner, 57, has been throwing up her diet cookies with anticipation about the birth and how much money she can loot from the photos. Stepfather Bruce Jenner is reportedly heartbroken; though no one can tell because his face is so frozen from plastic surgery.

Godzilla looking Sister Khloe Kardashian, 28, was so upset she ate two whole cherry cheese cakes; spitting out the cherries at husband Lamar Odom, 33. Khloe has been trying to have a child with no luck; which has beauty salon’s wagging that she is indeed really a man; since she can’t even get pregnant by a black basketball player.

For now Kim is keeping mum on the shocking rumor. A friend of a friend tells me that poor Kim has to sit backwards on a chair and craves only chocolate covered grasshoppers. Another friend tells me this is how she lived before the pregnancy.

If the real truth will ever come out is anybody’s guess; it all depends on what money is thrown at the Kardashian’s. Doctors tell me Kim’s pregnancy is highly unusual and while studying pictures of the pear-shaped-tart’s money making derriere; all could only agree on one thing: Kim looks to be caring twins, one baby in each cheek.

Scientist's say this is what Kim and Kanye's baby will look like; yikes.