Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Meet 2013’s Dancing With The “Stars” Cast.

As usual ABC trots out unemployed celebrities from the past, brain dead athlete's and current reality show tramps for their laughably titled, glitter competition show, “Dancing With The Stars.”

This year’s picks seem about as fresh as Betty White’s virginity; let’s take a look at the motley crew for this season and try to figure out who most of them are.There is to be a surprise 12th contestant announced soon; many whisper it could be cash hungry Lindsay Lohan, if she can get her legal and drug troubles under control; I doubt it, I think it will be a reality personality.
1.Wynonna Judd: 48, is a legit Country music Star; though when she had her last hit is anyone’s guess; recently famous for booze addiction, weight, marriage troubles and horrible red hair color.

2. Lisa Vanderpump: 52, entrepreneur and star of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and "Vamderpump Rules." This marks the third TV show the English muffin is gracing us with in 2013; who the hell is she, Anderson Cooper with hair color and Botox?

3. Dorothy Hammill: 56, Olympic gold medalist from the 1976 Winter Games and purveyor of the bowl hair-cut; I thought she died of perkiness.

4. D.L. Hughley: 49, comedian, actor and star of "The Hughleys." What does D. L stand for, Da Loser?

5. Jacoby Jones: 28, wide receiver for Baltimore Ravens. At 6’2 it will be funny to see him wiggle to the Fox Trot.

6. Andy Dick: 47, actor and comedian. Known more for being a druggie and a drunk as of late; the only one worth watching because he will make a big fool out of himself.

7. Victor Ortiz: 26, welterweight champion. Never heard of him but I hope Wynonna Judd doesn’t fall on him.

8. Zendaya Coleman: 16, star of "Shake It Up" on the Disney Channel. The acne prone baby chicken will bring annoying cute smiles for the cameras.

9. Aly Raisman: 18, U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team. I had to Google her, um, yeah, who cares about her.

10. Ingo Rademacher: 41, Actor, “General Hospital”; wait, “General Hospital” is still on the air; um is Luke and Laura still on there?

11. Kellie Pickler: 26, "American Idol" finalist and Country singer. Pickler’s agent should get a gold star for always getting work for her; how he or she (bet it’s a he) does it is beyond me. Pickler reminds me of a cream puff; sweet but nothing inside but air.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Pope Retired Because of Gay Sex Scandal.

Rabid Catholics wet their panties with news of the Pope stepping down from his job (Pope’s can never retire and pretty much die on the job) Now if anyone thinks The Pope really has anything to do with decisions needs a brain transplant, like the Queen of England they are the face of a movement and have as much of a say in matters as an illegal working at a Sweat Shop.

Reports from around the world have reported the departure of Pope Benedict is being linked to an internal Vatican report detailing the gay sex sessions of a number of priests and blackmail by the male prostitutes that serviced them; which included photo’s, reports the New York Daily News, and not because of his health; basically the old bastard didn’t want to deal with it.

The 300-page dossier — compiled by three cardinals investigating the theft of Vatican documents — was given to the Pope on Dec. 17, the same day he decided to resign; throwing suspicion on how much The Pope new about all the sexual shenanigans going on behind closed doors.

Let’s get some facts straight: Most men crave sex, even Priests (sorry Aunt Pearl) and some want it with women and some want it with men and from the evidence, most Priests want sex with men. A recent report said that 70% percent of priests are gay; so why does the Catholic Church preach that homosexuality is a sin, when most of them do it themselves?

I’ll tell you, because like most organized religions, they can only keep you in the flock with starch rules; rules they themselves don’t follow, but it’s a way of controlling people and it works because it saves people from actually using their brain. I went to catholic school for two years at the suggestion of an over- zealous aunt. Catholic School was worse than public school for me with the staff spiteful and the students like caged animals; still no matter what I was taught I still used my mind and questioned anything that seemed false.

My over-zealous aunt cornered me at a family function one evening, demanding that I cut my hair, “long hair is for girls, not boys-cut it!” I looked at her; thin thing that she was, “well Jesus had long hair; so are you telling Jesus looks like a girl?” I was 10-years-old.

The other major cover-up in most religious organizations that boil my potatoes is; children being sexually abused and the heads of these places covering it up; what a great job, molest a 7-year-old; get a promotion and move to Ohio; where you can molest more children.

Any persons, including Priests and The Pope who hid knowledge of a child being molested should face jail time, but first should be paraded through each city and state in chains, no matter the abuser’s age or social standing and let each citizen see what a piece of garbage they are. If Christ really died on the cross for our sins; he didn’t die so people using his words and influence could use it to rape children.

If Priest are having sex with prostitutes I really don’t care; I don’t follow them anyway. The sad thing is the people who really believe in the Church; who live their lives following some Pastor’s words to guide them in what to eat or how to vote or treat another human being, they will be shell-shocked; though maybe it’s time people started thinking for themselves.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Toni Braxton Retiring; Toni Braxton is Still Alive?

Toni Braxton, 45, says she is retiring from music; most people we're shocked that she was still making music. The "Un-Break My Heart" singer made the announcement on "Good Morning America." "I'm not sure what's going on in my life. Maybe a female mid-life crisis? My heart isn't in it anymore. I hate to say that."

Here is the real deal about Braxton; she's in great debt; thanks to her careless spending; she hasn't had a hit record for so long I don't know how she can afford her wigs; her record company dumped her years ago because of it; so listen sweets, I love your smoky voice, but you didn't dump the music business, they dumped you 10 years ago.

Braxton said she plans to continue her acting career (!) and take on more challenging roles. Ok sweets I don't know what your smoking but I do wish you luck. We here have some advice to you; quit with all the damn fillers in your face, get some good, fresh young writers to help you record a dance album and work the shit out of it; if some role comes along that's rocks, take it, don't bite the hand that fed that pretty face; you'll never be Justin Timberlake, deal.

Toni, please stop doing shit to your face.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

New Season of Smash, Better Then Ambien: 1 Out of 4 Stars.

For those of you who have a spring in their step and are awaiting the return of “Smash” I guess you won’t be disappointed. Like last year, “Smash” centers around the people putting on a Broadway show about Marilyn Monroe.

The second season fines the show still all crash and burn with few highlights. The best part I found about the first three episodes were the exterior scenes of New York; at least I could look at something when people we’re talking gibberish.

One thing that boiled my potatoes about the first season of “Smash” was having such young women play Marilyn; it would have been more believable if they were a little older. At times when Megan Hilty and Katharine McPhee are painted up, they resemble a drag queens first crack at playing dress-up and not lead actresses of a supposed play about a superstar.

Debra Messing is back and continues to wear the ugliest clothes ever made; somebody take this girl to Dress Barn.

Having not been successful with selling her music (her last CD came and went like a pimple) Jennifer Hudson continues to get acting roles (why I don’t know) and ads little to the show except when she sings (Hudson blows anyone off the screen when she sings) Hudson; who I hear from a spy is hated by the crew because she’s such a diva on set; I guess I can’t blame her; if I had a great voice like Hudson’s and got stuck on a snore fest like “Smash” I would be a bitch too.

I could describe what happens on the second season but the storyline is so confusing and the celebrity guest stars keep popping up like a rival of “The Love Boat.” So if you like amateur dinner theatre, this is the show for you; if you’re looking for more from a singing show, even THIS season of “Glee” is better than the second season of “Smash.”

UPDATE: The two hour season premiere of Smash scored a series low 1.1 adults 18-49 rating down a staggering 71 percent from a 3.8 for the series premiere on February 6, 2012 (following The Voice) and down 39 percent from a 1.8 for the first season finale on May 14. In other words a really bad flop.

There are a lot of tatented people who act and work on the show, and I wish them well when this show ends.

"Smash" airs Tuesday night on NBC.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

I’ll Have A Seabiscuit With Fries; Burger King Uses Horse Meat.

Burger King finally admitted this week that some of its burgers in Britain and Ireland included horsemeat. Now many in the U.S wonder if their Whopper was so good because it had a bit of “Black Beauty” in it.

Some muscle heads can rejoice; horsemeat actually contains just as much protein and is much leaner than beef, according to nutritionists. I’ve also heard over the years that Water bugs have lots of protein as well; what’s next, people eating something that lives at the bottom of the sea; that lives on urine and feces? Oh yeah people eat that already, shrimp.

Horsemeat is commonly eaten in France and other parts of Europe and the world. But in the U.S. and UK, horses are more often seen as pets and are used to carry around big assed tourist in New York’s Central Park; who knew “Wilbur” would go well with a large fries and Coke.

Burger King said there is no horse meat in any of its grease chains in the U.S; are we suppose to believe them? I don’t think so; to be honest horse meat sounds like one of the only ingredients you could recognize on their food labels; what does that tell you?

Let’s face it, we’ve all had a little “Warhorse” in our life if we’ve had fast food burgers; I for one like making my burgers at home; at least if I get the urge to graze it will be because I had good sex, and not because just ate a Whopper at Burger King.