Monday, April 3, 2017

Free Life Advice. Read It Fast, I'm Already Bored.


The Doctor is in, and let’s get this over with quick because I have a hangover. Some people need a therapist for logical mental reasons, others need a good kick in the knickers with some tough love. So here it is; your problems solved in minutes, not hours and you didn’t cough up the $200 bucks an hour for a head doctor (who’s probably nuttier than you) or even spend your morning on the toilet from all the medication they’d prescribe.
You’re welcome, now shut up and learn.

-You Don’t Care What People Think: Stop lying, it gives you wrinkles.

-You Hate Your Parents: Grow up and forgive them, or don’t talk to them anymore.

-Cupcakes: These are really round slices of cake; sorry chubs.

-Boot Camp: You’re just paying an angry guy to yell at you; get married and it will be for free.

-Proceco: Is really sparkling white wine, just add $10-50 dollars.

-You Can’t Get A Man: So stop whining about it; shave your legs; get a new hair color and work it.

-Why Is Everyone Crazy: Because everyone is a little wacko; if you don’t think you are, oh boy you’re in trouble.

-People Are Out To Get You: Sometimes, but that’s life. Watch a few seasons of “Scandal” and learn.

-“Green Lantern,” Movie: Really did suck; No REALLY.

-You’re Obese And Want ONLY A Muscle Guy: Drop the lard or win the Lottery.

-Space Wipes: Are really sponges, and not worth 19.99 + shipping.

-You’re A Drunk And Druggie: Google a picture of Lindsay Lohan 2011; and remember she was 24-years-old! Get yourself together.

-You’re Depressed: Because of you’re missing a leg; arm; eye? Right; feel better, bitch.

-You Have Bad Self Image: No matter how much plastic surgery you get, you’ll feel the same; just prettier. Happiness does come from within, yeah, within Bergdorf Goodman.

Your life is better than you think. Enjoy it!