Friday, December 27, 2013

Why Do Celebrities Give Their Kids Stripper Names?

When Beyonce popped out her kid in what seemed like only 3 months of pregnancy; she named the little apple of her eye, Blue Ivy; why doesn’t Blue Ivy just put in an application now for “Pedro’s Jiggle Jungle” on Route 31?

Many Stars like to show off; it’s one of the things that helps them get attention. Some name their kid’s normal names; take George Foreman, named all five of his boys George after himself; maybe his head got hurt in the ring too many times.

Other Celebrities tend to name their kids after what they like to eat; take Gwyneth Paltrow, less famous for movie roles these days and more famous for naming her kid Apple; it’s like Gwenie was sitting around giving birth, saw a bowel of fruit and presto-a name; luckily their wasn’t a bowl of Fig Newton’s by.

Those eyes, those lips. Maxi? in moms make-up again.
Jessica Simpson has made a career out of stupid things; don’t believe me? She was pregnant for years; when the kid came out she had acne and wanted a drivers license.

Jess has named the little Tatar Tot, Maxwell and has already taken to calling her Maxi-as in Maxi-pad; sure this kid won’t be made fun of in school.

Will celebrities ever stop giving thier kids wacky names? Sure and Playboy will hire Rosanne for a nude layout.

For my dear readers, I’ve composed a list of celebrity kid’s names that sound like strippers.

Erykah Badu: Puma; this chick must LOVE some sneakers, and a bong.

Victoria and David Beckham: Harper Seven; they must have been on Mars with Tom Cruise too long.

Bob Geldof: Peaches Honey; if she doesn’t become a stripper, porn actress will be fine.

Barbara Hershey: Free; who wants to bet this kid gets the “Lunchables” kicked out of him?

Kate Hudson: Ryder; Just like her movies, this name sucks.

Penn Jillette: Moxie Crimefighter; Too bad he can’t make this name disappear.

Jamie Oliver: Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo; he can’t get porky US kids thin, or pick good names.

Vanilla Ice: Dusti Rose; at least her pole money can help dad pay the cable bill.

Blue Ivy sure is cute; glad she favors Beyonce and not Jay-z. And is it me or does she look American Indian?

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

It’s Your Money That They Want: John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John’s Xmas CD.

Who would ever think we’d need another celebrity butchering classic Christmas music? Not me that’s for sure.

I was taken aback when I saw the cover of John Travolta, 59, and Oliva Newton-John’s, 65, new Christmas album, This Christmas.

On the cover both are wearing odd wigs and are nipping (naughty, naughty) spiked eggnog; they might have been sipping the old bottle long after, to agree this album cover was a winner; in fact this album cover makes me have Anderson Cooper type giggles and makes this writer wonder; is this really the best picture of all the pictures they took?

At first I thought this was a Halloween album until I saw the computer imposed presents and pine trees; Travolta and John seem to be laughing it up, as if they’re saying in the cover art, “can you believe how many suckers will buy this shit?”

If you were a fan of “Grease” (which I was and I hate; no wait loathe musicals) you’ll see I’m not so one sided. Hell, I even kinda-not really-but find it campy enjoy Travolta and John’s other movie pairing, “Two of a Kind,” which had both Stars sporting lesbian haircuts and falling in love.

I guess people who mega love Travolta and John will piss themselves when they get this for Christmas and good for them; I’m glad it’s being released too, but for different reasons. If you can, check out the music video they made for the album on YouTube for the song, "I think you'll like it," -you won't, but it's so cheap looking and campy you'll love it.

"This Christmas" Is Available Now; have some spiked eggnog or maybe a hit of Acid, Here’s the track listing:

1. Baby It's Cold Outside, So How About A Massage?

2. Rockin' Around The Fire Island Pines (featuring Adam Lambert)

3. I'll Have A New Toupee For Christmas (featuring William Shatner)

4. Bearded Christmas (featuring Tom Cruise)

5. Silent Night (When The Wife Found Out)

6. All I Want For Christmas Is Baby Oil and Fresh Towels.

7. Have Yourself A Greasy Little Christmas (featuring Eliot Spitzer)

8. Deck The Husband (featuring Kelly Preston)

9. After Labor Day White Christmas.

10.I Think You Might Like It (featuring “Carl” from Jake’s Massage)

11. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus And The Mailman Too (featuring Ella Bleu Travolta)

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Are Jews Really Cheap? And Other Mysteries Solved

A friend of mine was recently sharing a story with me over cocktails. He has a new personal trainer and when they were starting a session, the trainer made a remark to my friend that his previous client was trying to “Jew him down.” My friend, who is Jewish was insulted. I remarked that the personal trainer was stupid because when dealing with the public, you can’t always tell who-is-what when it comes to religion. One of the first things they teach you in beauty school is: don’t talk about religion or politics with your customers. In my opinion the trainer isn’t a racist, just an idiot.

Since I’ve known many Jewish people over the years I‘ve found some of them are really cheap, but most are not. It made me think; what other myths can I debunk?

*Pulling Out Grey Hair Makes More Grey Hair Grow: This is a myth, the real fact is once grey hair starts growing in; it doesn’t stop, rather you pull them out or not.

*Black People Talk Too Much At The Movies: This is true, but I’ve been in the movies with many different races and they blabbed while the movie was playing as well.

*Kanye West and Lady Gaga’s New Albums Suck: Yes, and both have bombed on the charts and sold less than any of their previous albums; can they do better? Hell yes.

*Should Men Be Eating A Lot Of Soy? : No, unless you want Man Boobs. Soy Beans are rich in phytoestrogens, which is like a natural estrogen; for women this can be beneficial, but for men it can decrease the libido and give you a Simon Cowell type chest.


Thursday, December 5, 2013

Madonna, 55, Dumps BoyToy, 25, Caught With Lourdes, 17.

Rumors have Madonna turning into a Girl Gone Wild.

This is an HTYM EXCLUSIVE. It's been alleged that  Madonna's young, French stud boyfriend, Brahim Zaibat was caught kissing her 17-year-old daughter, Lourdes.

Of course many are giggling over cocktails that Lourdes and Brahim are closer in age, and if the aging Material Girl wants to indulge in young street meat; she should keep them away from her beautiful, young daughter.
Madonna is said to be so upset that she rushed into the arms of her Ex husband, Sean Penn, and spent Thanksgiving with him, volunteering in Haiti.

Others say Madonna is bored with Brahim, and helped to get him a spot on Dancing With The Stars: France, just to get away from him (Can you believe he is considered a Star because he bangs Madonna?)

Sources tell me that Lourdes could care less about Brahim and his lusty eyes, and is in love with Timotheé Chalamet, an actor from the Showtime show, "Homeland."

No matter what really happened, many Madonna fans told me that they wished Madonna would drop all the young hustlers with Frozen hearts, and get back to her one true love, Sean Penn.