Friday, January 31, 2014

Is Trying Overrated?

   Sometimes I feel frustrated with trying; It sounds whiny I know but it’s true. I always seem to be trying; trying to get a new agent; trying to make money; trying to meet a new guy; trying to forgive a friends stupidity; trying not to kill the bitch who coughed in my face at Starbucks. Some people don’t try at all. What a great way to go through life; floating and never mattering or meaning anything to anyone’s life; hello Kim Kardashian.

I think it would be nice to be a drunk or a pot head; this way i would be in a 24 hour fog, and never give a shit like a lot of people.

 Humans are always trying; that’s how most of us function. We try to have whiter teeth; but darken our skin. We try to have lighter hair; that covers our dark hair. We try to flatten our stomachs; but pay a doctor to fatten our wrinkles. Maybe things are really black & white; either; or? I don’t know. Just when I think I have life figured out, everything I practiced and preached gets tossed out, and I have to start over in my way of thinking and try again.

Maybe I should try harder and act like one of the Kardashian; have no actual talent; make a sex tape like kim; and never have anything interesting to say, and people will love me when I show up, and buy any crap that I put my name on; by the way you can order your Hudson Taylor mint floss right here, big smile.

So why am I trying? When most people don’t care about anything but themselves, and I waste time trying to grow, love, feel, want and need. I guess those of us who do try; who do feel, who can’t help it wanting more knowledge and improvement within their selfs will never stop trying.

Me? I’ve haven’t decided yet if I’m ever going to try again, but something tells me I probably will.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Why Is Hollywood So Obsessed With Criminals?

Most people I talked to didn’t understand “American Hustle.” Still it won numerous awards and I’m sure it will take home some Oscars. Still I decide to see it and unlike the so-called voting public I hated it. I think it should have been titled “American Hustle Wig.” I really think the ugly hair should win the statues; which could save us from the boring speeches, bad face lifts and overblown award shows, where Hollywood people pat each other on the ass and say how great each other are.

I’m so sick of movies about people stealing things. I really don’t know why people pay good money to see movies about criminals; especially when, in real life when you get robbed; it’s a bitch, and not cleaver or stylish. I’m sure you won’t see Channing Tatum as Bernie Madoff on the big screen anytime soon; especially since the people he robbed couldn’t afford the $14.00 to see the movie in New York. A friend of mine who loved “American Hustle” laughed when I asked the question, “why is Hollywood so obsessed with criminals?” and his answer was the best one I’ve heard so far, “because they’re all thieves themselves.” It makes perfect sense. Hollywood is all about selling you something—a lifestyle—a personality—a diet that isn’t real, still we let them pick our pockets all in the name of being entertained.
I always laugh when the sweet, misty eyed Disney actor or actress is a major Coke head, and someone like Morgan Fairchild, who made her career as a sex symbol, and was always filmed smoking and drinking champagne; in real life, Fairchild doesn’t smoke or drink. I just hate that people find criminals so appealing; maybe it says something about the human race in general. One could argue that thief movies are so popular because we all have a secret obsession with getting one over on the ‘man’, and getting rich quick.

I’m not going to deny that I have some favorite movies that deal with someone stealing something in one way or another but I wish Hollywood would stick to Vampires and Zombies, and stop glorifying crooks so much.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

What's So Great About LOVE?

 Mae West once said, “I was Snow White once but I drifted.” Has loved drifted? I think so. The only sign of love I see nowadays is when January rolls around and retailers are all ready forcing Valentine's Day down our throats; so its the love of greed I see. Heart shaped boxes next to Christmas stuff marked down by 75%, strange.

If you have your man; the pressure is on to make it an unforgettable 14th with sweet teddy bears dressed like prostitutes; tasty chocolate covered in cheap lace; oils sold in phallic shaped bottles.

   Hallmark starts you young and encourages you to give your fellow harassing classmates a Valentine. Even your teacher got one; what was her name; Ms. Cracktin? It’s embarrassing to think I gave my 3rd grade teacher (who was shaped like a pear) a card that said, I WUV U. WANNA SPOON?
Love is called a four letter word and it is. When it’s good it’s thrilling and makes you happy. When it’s bad it’s monstrous and lonely.

In Favor Of Love: You know it when you’re in love you can be with that person at any giving moment and don’t want them to leave. Their bad breath is ok, love handles obsolete and messed up hair not a problem. They make you laugh; feel good about yourself and you wonder what they’re doing throughout the day when you’re at work or the gym.

Indifferent With Love: Being stuck with the same person day after day. Wondering if they really are the right choice for you; jealousy; fighting; eating too much; thier TV choices; thier friend choices. Seeing them sit on the couch and get fatter; when you’ve been working all day and would love some passion. How the sex is so boring you have to think of Joe Manganiello; the hunky werewolf from "True Blood" to get you going.

I’m in favor of love; even when most of the time it doesn’t work out. It sucks to get hurt but it would suck more not to experience the feelings, even if it’s just for a short time. So Febuary 15th I'll be buying the Valentine's day chocolate for 50% off and enjoy being single.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Straight Up Roasted: Paula Abdul Sues Tanning Salon For Burns.

We haven’t seen much of Paula Abdul, 51, lately after getting canned from both American Idol and X Factor. Still, Abdul tries to stay prepared for the cameras or even a visit to the mall. Unfortunately the pint-sized-peanut-butter-cup decided to try a new form of tanning that is supposed to make you lose weight. Sadly the “Cold Hearted” singer got too hot after the treatment and instead of compliments, Abdul was left with burns and isn’t just, “Blowing Kisses In The Wind.” She is suing Uvasun West tanning salon in Los Angeles for damages.

For $129.00 bucks the website for Uvasun claims that the SlimStar "heat therapy" is a "weight control, inch loss, pain management, detoxification system," that allows users to burn "1,200 or more calories in just one 50-minute session." Right off that sounds like BS to me, but hey if it works; I guess I’d be ready to be burned to look thinner.

 Did Paula's rumored man, hunky John Caprio notice?
Abdul thinks the company did a “Rush Rush” on her and applied the treatment, "negligently, carelessly and recklessly," causing "severe and painful burns over her body, with an especially severe second or third degree burn on a portion of her left thigh," the lawsuit claims.
People say “Opposites Attract,” But when it comes to being in the public eye, everything body-wise has to be matchy-matchy, which just might help Abdul win her case.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Man Busted For Trying To Sell Stolen Brains On eBay.

Some 21-year-olds just sit in their parent’s house, masturbate and play video games, not David Charles. This young go-getter just got arrested at an Indiana Dairy Queen, where Charles thought he was meeting a buyer for one of his stolen brains that he was selling like hot cakes on eBay.

We here at HTYM hope Charles got to finish his Oreo Brownie EarthQuake Royal Treat before they read him his rights and slapped the cuffs on.

Charles allegedly stole 60 jars of brain and human tissue in October from the Indiana Medical History Museum. Once he had his brains, Charles began selling them online and had many buyers for the jars of goo that the museum kept from autopsies performed in the 1890’s; I guess old brains are really IN for 2014.

Rumor’s floating around some of the best beauty salons has Charles, allegedly selling 12 brains to the Kardashian family; too bad he got busted before they got them.

When questioned, one happy brain buyer declared they purchased the wiggly matter because he liked buying ‘oddities,’ damn in my day people just collected baseball cards and stamps; the times they are a-changin.

Charles’s brain bazaar was shut down when someone tipped off the police that he was selling stolen brains online, which is gross, and illegal. Soon police used their noodles and Charles was set up in a sting operation at a local Dairy Queen. Now that Charles sits in a cold jail, he must be wondering if he should have used one of the brains he stole, and figured out a better life plan.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

I Hate Change.

I don’t like seeing the season’s change; it could be summer forever and I wouldn’t care. Would I miss snowballs? Nah I’ll play with the frosty ice that goes into my margarita; thank you very much.

Why must things change? I know the obvious reality but I would be happy if things stayed the same like; the age where I was happiest and cutest; the love that I thought would be forever; the pet that was the sweetest; the job that was easy and where I made lots of money; the friend who I adored and couldn’t stop laughing with.

The first 3 weeks of a new romance; how great is that? You’re getting to know each other; the kisses start slow; then hard and then wow! Everything they tell you; you devourer the knowledge like it’s the best information you ever heard. “You had Club foot when you were younger? Great.” I want my muscles to stay muscles, and my stomach to look like Ryan Reynalds after he had a stomach flu.

I want things to stay the same, screw the future. I want to be happy getting my first book published. I want my best friend to stay in New York and not be in jail. I want my mom to be alive and giving me hugs and snack cakes. I want my family to be together and not messes. I want my dog to stay a puppy so he never has to die. I want the guy that I like one week; not become my enemy the next week.

I want it all. Time marches on and I grudgingly go with it.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Princess Down: Remember Paris Hilton?

There was a time Paris Hilton got talked about more than the weather; now the spoiled fame whore is nowhere to be seen and many declare her career over. It’s not like the hotel Ho has stopped going out and acting stupid; in fact that’s what she does best. What’s really happened is the public’s fascination with her has waned. The Kardashian clan has taken over for what Hilton started; talentless lass on the loose; who stars in free porno; puts her name on anything, and appears at the opening of a jar of pickles if a photographer is around.

After her initial success with fame, Hilton has tried to come back to television in several reality shows, all went the way of the Titanic. Hilton’s name still pops up on perfume bottles, which you can steadily find at most discount and $99 cents stores 2 months later. She continues to sell handbags and junk with her name on it, that largely come from the same factory in China that produces other celebrity named crap.

Paris Hilton doing what she does best.
For 2014 Hilton has announced that she is releasing a new album; as if any of us needed more noise in their life. Some predict that she could stage a comeback, others suggest you have to have talent and likability to crawl back; neither trait Hilton has.
Hilton is still going out and clubbing every night. Her only legit work lately has been going to Vegas for bar and restaurant openings (Owners pay celebrities to come to their parties)

Could Hilton’s new album put her back on top? Some say no since her voice sounds like a cat in heat; others like her Hello Kitty loving fans, will stick by her no matter what; you have to remember Hitler had his fans as well.

Question: What should Hilton do next to stay in the limelight?

Paris Hilton has got gays angry, and its not just because her line of perfumes and bags are so tacky, they're an abomination.

Last year, cat-nip-for-brains Hilton, was secretly recorded in a New York CityTaxi cab talking to a friend; when the friend showed her Grindr (a gay hookup site) on his phone, Hilton got angry.

"Ewww! Gay guys are the horniest people in the world," Hilton said. "They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. ... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

Though she may be right in some cases; what she said about all gays being disgusting; whores, and having AIDS; that's what most of the world thinks of Paris Hilton.