Thursday, February 27, 2014

Pot Flavored Condoms And Other Weird Crap For Sale.

Back in the old days, Circus showman P.T Barnum always said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” How right he was. These day’s people will create almost anything, and sometimes the public—hungry for the unique will lap it up.

So open your wallets and your minds and check out the newest—weirdest crap for sale.

Unbreakable Bond: Oh those Kardashian’s, they will sell their own feces if they could. This perfume came out last year but it already shares the shelf with dozens of Paris Hilton perfumes at T.J Maxx. The website for Unbreakable Bond says this; “The first and only celebrity scent designed for a man or a woman. Born out of Khloe and Lamar's shared intimacy.”-What does it smell like you ask? A touch of desperation, greed, unfaithfulness with some notes of Crack thrown in.

Cannadom Condoms: Leave it to the Dutch—famous for wood shoes, to come up with Cannabis flavored condoms. For about $2 lousy bucks you can get it on, and then float on; so instead of a cigarette after sex; you’ll crave a bag of chips.

Wine Exclusively For Cats: The Japanese really are smarter than us. A Japanese company (B&H lifes) has produced a wine that is for cats only; as if my cat needed to be lazier. On the upside when you spend Friday and Saturday nights alone; you and your cat can both be sedated.

Teddy Bear Lamp:  Do your kids get nightmares? Well how about scaring them even more with this new teddy bear lamp with its head chopped off, and it’s only $160 bucks; which is worth it when you think of the lifetime of therapy your kids will need after you put this by their bed at night.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Does Your Hair Stylist Hate You?

Have you often wondered why your hair never comes out the way you envisioned it? Did you ever consider that your hairstylist hates your guts? I know it’s hard to believe when you think it’s all about you, but it’s not.

Maybe your hair stylist thinks you look like the girl who dumped them in high school; or the girl who stole their man once; maybe people just hate your face. This test will let you know the hidden movements of hair stylist. Because if your hairstylist hates you, you’ll never be the beauty you deserve or wish to be.

Which one are you?

Middle Of The Road Mindy: Hairstylist don’t hate you, but they don’t remember you either; since you make it to the salon every 4-5 months for a cut. When you go to restaurant, it takes you forever to decide what you want; as your date is eating ice cubes out of hunger. Your not a bad smelling perfume, but you’re not the sweetest scent either. Sometimes in life, sugar; you have to pick one thing; Top or Bottom; Madonna or Lady Gaga. So when you come in next time; try some bangs, or a different color.

Bitchy Belinda: You’re always late; you always complain and always answer your cell-even when it’s a wrong number. Hairstylist’s hate you! You’re the client every hairstylist looks at when you come to the salon, because everyone knows you’re a pain in the bunions. You have a certain way to part it, you have unique way to blow dry it. Nothing is ever good enough for you, you don’t use common sense when it comes to your hair type; you think YOU switch hairstylist-they switch you!

Perfect Paulina: Hairstylist love you! You never bitch or ask them to explain every little detail; you often change haircuts and even when not interested in a new look, you consider it, and if you tried that new lop sided look and didn’t like it; hair grows back right? You’re the kind of client we don’t mind staying late for. You have a confidence that will win you many lovers, and many jealous rivals, but screw all those bitches, you look good.

In the end it’s all about chemistry; you either click with the stylist or you don’t. If you click, stick around and talk about what you want; if you don't click? Hit the street and find the right stylist for you.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What The Hell Is Wrong With Tori Spelling?

Tori Spelling, 40,  was born in Beverly Hills to super rich producer Aaron Spelling, but the way she stays married to her cheating-baby making-loser husband, Dean McDermott, 47,  is beyond belief; one would think Spelling grew up in a trailer park and wasn’t educated and desperate to keep any man that smiled in her direction.

Many beauty salons are a buzz with the news that Spelling’s husband has gone to sex rehab after admitting to having condom-less affairs with five women. Many are laughing and wondering why bug-eyed Spelling couldn’t see what a jerk her husband is, and was dumb enough to have four kids with this serial cheater (he also has two other children from a previous mess)

Spelling has admitted she is the breadwinner in the family, and when asked why she keeps having children she can’t support, Spelling admitted they can’t afford for McDermott to have a vasectomy; but having children is cheaper? WTF; Is Spelling’s weave too tight? It almost seems like a case on Judge Judy, where a stupid woman keeps having kids she can’t support.
Spelling, like Paris Hilton and many other Hollywood brats just prove one thing to me; just because you’re raised with money doesn’t make you any better than you or me; in fact I would say most people who had to work for what they have in life have more manners, smarts and decency than 75% of these rich brats.

A lot of people think McDermott thought he hit the Lottery when he met Spelling, but the reality is she was left little money when her famous father died in 2006, and has gone through all of it by now.

Some people feel sorry for Spelling, and think she’s staying with McDermott for the children’s sake (of course kids are never happy in an un-happy home) others are laughing at Spelling, saying; that how you get your man, is how you lose him (Spelling and McDermott, both married at the time, met on the set of an ill-forgotten Lifetime movie, and left their spouses after filming, thus becoming their own Lifetime movie.)
Spelling has made a new career out of showing her life to the world in several crappy reality shows that depicted how happy her life and marriage is; maybe Spelling’s shows would have stayed on the air if they depicted just how white trash her life really is.

Many don’t agree that sex addiction is a real addiction, I wonder if Spelling will ever have some self-respect for herself and leave her bastard of a husband; stupidity can be an addiction as well.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Who Can You Trust These Days?

Maria couldn't trust Arnold; Arnold shouldn't
have trusted the thong salesmen.
I had a funny situation with my doctor recently (we use to be good friends back in the day) Dr. Cash asked me, “When was the last time you went to the eye doctor.” I explained, “Not in some years.” Having 20/20 vision and no eye problems I didn’t see the reason why he asked me; it’s not like he saw the Devil in my eyes or something. He said he was making an appointment for me with a fabulous eye doctor. I thought it was weird that he was sending me to the eye doctor and stranger yet that he used the word fabulous. Dr. Cash was never the brightest egg in the Easter basket and being a full time doctor had not diminished that.
After a few more minutes, Dr. Cash and I caught up on our lives; he got a phone call. When he put the phone down he said, “That was my friend Bob, he lives next door to me in the Hamptons; he’s the eye doctor I’m sending you to.” I laughed inside; I mean how obvious was this situation? These two tricky-dicky docs send each other patients; no matter if the patient needed treatment or not. On my way home I laughed, thinking of these greedy doctors, sunning their rich, flat, fat asses on the weekend; while I’m in Manhattan enjoying a farmer tan on my front stoop; wondering how hell I can pay my dam medical bills.

My friend Todd was out recently at Therapy bar. He met three stewardesses, two male and one woman. They were laid over in New York for the night and were looking to party; they asked my friend where they could get some cocaine-talk about fly the friendly skies! There are all these stories of drunken flight captains and now I know some of the stewardesses are Coked up. So these are the people that are in charge of my safety when I’m aboard a plane? What kind of flight school do these people go to; O’Malley’s bar?

Chris Noth shouldn't trust Hedda Lettuce; she
could give him listeria, and some other things.

 Every month there seems to be a news story about food that kills you or could kill you. As of today a California farm issued a voluntary lettuce recall over listeria contamination concerns, its notice has gone out to 19 states and Canada; last month listeria in cantaloupe’s put 15 people in the dirt. Before that there was spinach, celery; the list goes on like Michael Caine’s screen credits. It’s like you can’t eat anything, but you have to eat so what the hell do you do?
Buy organic? Yeah well not everyone can afford it.

So if you can’t trust your doctor, the people on board a plane or even fruits and vegetables, who does one trust?

I asked Anthony, who works at Starbucks, he replied, “You can trust your grandma.” I like that; I don’t have one anymore, but I’d like to think if I did, I could trust her. Also after age 80, people are brutally honest and far more trustworthy.

In the end I’d like to believe I can trust people; life would suck if you questioned every damn thing. Of course I will keep in mind the advice my mom use to tell me; don’t go out after 10: pm; never trust a Sailor or a Marine, and eat macaroni and cheese every Saturday night; pretty simple rules to live by.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Perez Hilton Lost His Flab, But Not His Bad Taste In Clothes

When fat people lose weight; why do they have to dress like hookers?

Gossip queen Perez Hilton unveiled a thinner version of his ugly self on the pink carpet for something called “New Now Next Awards.” The awards show can be seen on Logo TV, the so-called gay channel. For all you Peeps who are too cheap for cable, basically this crap is on channel 155 or something.

Hilton, never one to look good or care about taste, showed up at the awards show looking like he took a spin in a washing machine dryer for 40 minutes before arriving at the awards show. Wearing what looks like a rejected costume from a Marvel super hero movie, Hilton dared to show off and had many behind the scenes people in stitches because Hilton thinks he's all that and a bag of of Sun Chips. Never one to be demure Hilton flashed the world (or really just bored photographers) his deflated mammaries; which looked like two freeze dried cherries. I heard from a source at the awards that Hilton stayed longer than most on the pink carpet, which included such talent as reality scum bags and some sassy, fierce drag queens.

Just  Plain Ugly.
Hilton started off writing his popular blog from a coffee and donut shop, and when his website exploded, so did his waistline and head size. It’s not known what made Hilton thinner; tummy tuck or some fad Hollywood diet, or (as many whisper) diet pills, but if this jerk can do it, everyone can.                                                                 

Hopefully Jenny Craig and other gyms will start giving classes on how to dress when you lose weight. When one has given up gravy for grapefruit it’s easy to forget about bad taste in clothes. Hopefully Hilton takes Old Navy Couture off his shopping list like he did Meatloaf.

In the end I’d rather see a nicely dressed fatty, then a stick-thin, dear-in-the-headlights hooker wearing cheap clothes.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Leonardo DiCaprio Shocker; He Has Never Tried Drugs.

I’m not a big Leonardo DiCaprio fan, but have to say I have a new respect for him when he told the Los Angeles Times recently that he’s never tried any sort of drug before.

DiCaprio, 39, who is seen indulging in many drugs in “The Wolf Of Wall Street,” admits he was really just acting in the too-long-in-my-opinion hit movie.
 “That’s because I saw this stuff literally every day when I was 3 or 4 years old,” DiCaprio said. “So Hollywood was a walk in the park for me…. I’d go to parties and it was there and, yeah, there’s that temptation. Hollywood is a very volatile place where artists come in and they essentially say they want to belong. It’s incredibly vulnerable to be an actor and also get criticism at a young age when you’re formulating who you are. We’ve seen a lot of people fall victim to that, and it’s very unfortunate.”

Not that DiCaprio was Momma’s little angel; he does indulge in booze and models. I find it impressive in this day and age when actors are dropping like flies, or living and ruining their careers with drugs; DiCaprio’s an A list Star, who’s made it without narcotics.
When you're famous you have moths that follow Stars, more like flees; these fleas are around many Stars and make sure that they stay drugged so they can get things from them like money and gifts. Bravo to DiCaprio; I hope a lot of upcoming actors follow his lead, instead of going down in flames like a lot of talented men and women that came before them.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Does Size Matter When You’re Making Monkey Love?

Having drinks recently with my friend Julia (who has money for dinner these days?) I was flustered on what to say when Julia told me of her dilemma; her new boyfriend Kel’s lower sex organ was so tiny; which eventually led to the previous evening: Julia and Kel we’re doing the nasty and Julia screamed out,” Yes,…oh…yes!” and Kel replied, “I didn’t even put it in yet.”

We got another round of drinks and laughed a bit. Julia has been with Kel for a year and he was a great guy but their sex life was a drag; she even felt her cat (Sam) was laughing at her every-time she yelled out in ecstasy how great Kel was in bed. She just couldn’t see herself married to this guy for this one very big, well small-big reason. I could tell she was in pain (not the right type of pain, but pain)

According to new research by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, size does matter when it comes to pleasing a woman, or man. The good news is that it only matters for some people and some types of orgasms and some people are very happy to have a gherkin pickle in their life.

Eventually Julia had to break up with Kel; for some people it’s not that important, for her it was. When I talked to Julia this morning she said she was sad about Kel (she didn’t tell him the real reason) Julia is dating again, and added with glee in her voice, “I have trouble walking today.”

Happy Sunday everyone.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Lies We Tell Ourselves

Having cocktails last night in Hell’s Kitchen with my friend “Jay” I couldn’t believe when he told about a date he had recently. The date told him that he hates hairy guys. Jay said he smiled but didn’t reveal to his date that he is very hairy. I wondered why Jay couldn’t tell his date the truth, and what would happen one day when they take each other’s clothes off? Would Jay turn on his acting chops, explaining, “Gosh, how did all this hair get here; got a weed whacker?” Would Jay try to tell the guy he was half Jewish, half Wolfman?

As the humid evening wore on, skinny guys in tank tops-befitting infants, and melon breasted girls crowded the bar like spring break at a cheap hotel in Miami; I had to ask Jay why he didn’t speak up about his hairiness. Jay explained that he thought once the guy got to know him, he would forget about fuzz. I believe my friend believed this; but it didn’t make much sense. Everyone, including “Jay” has things that turn them on or off. Why not save yourself from rejection if you can nip it in the bud?

Wendy, please don't let that be fried chicken.
If someone makes a point of telling you something they hate about another person on a first date; I think you should take them serious. It’s like a guy on a date, casually telling you he hates kids, and you never tell him you have a 10-year-old at home. You lie to yourself by thinking, “well when he meets little Timmy he will change his mind about kids and we will live happily ever after.” Fat chance, it could happen, but rarely.

Sometimes I just wish I was as tall as Wendy Williams ('6") that way I could walk around and knock people out of the way with my big butt and boobs, but alas i'm 5'8 and still getting stepped on in life.

It did get me thinking about lies we tell ourselves to get us through the day, “this job sucks but I can retire in 28 years; I only drink when I’m tired.” Lies we tell ourselves about first dates we had and never heard from, “he’s really busy at work; his muscles we’re too big; she’s been hurt but will come around one day.” Lies we tell ourselves about losing weight, “I’ll start my diet after Labor Day; I have big bones; that scale at the gym must be broke.”

Some of us lie about our past, age, weight, income, jean size, penis size. It made me wonder if we tell lies to impress other people or do we do it because it’s makes us believe we’re something were not. I think most of the time we lie to ourselves because we don’t want to face the truth.

In this world of fake boobs, hair, hearts and artificial minds I think its OK lie to yourself sometimes; why not if it makes you feel better for the moment; not everything needs to be so right or so wrong all the time; or maybe “Jay” just needs to get the hell waxed out of him before his next date.